its back, with mixed reviews

still in the same calendar month and for that matter the same calendar year, i managed to get m&k by the birthday candle. k. is really not a fan, clearly.

f.isms

f: daddy, do you see that wii girl tennis player right there?
j: yes
f: she is beautiful!

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f: mommy, do you want to help me with my budget?
me: sure, bud.
f: ok, great.
me: what do you have on your budget so far?
f: well, there are bills, bakugan, money and games. what else do you think i need?

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while shopping with granny for christmas presents

granny: ok, now what do you want to buy your mom?
f: i think my my would really like the wave.
granny: what is the wave?
f: ugh, granny, you know THE wave.
granny: sweetie, i am sorry, i dont know what THE wave is. what does it look like? what does it do?
f: granny, its THE WAVE!
granny: how about this spatula?
f: ok!

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twelve things

i hate that...

...when f. invited you to watch him conduct the school band for one song in the winter concert, you claimed that you live too far away.

...when f. returned moments later with the great idea to have me video tape him conducting the band for you to see, that your response was to tell him that "sometimes those video things just don't turn out."

...you shamelessly cant be bothered to remember where your own son works or what it is that he does.

...you found something to complain about in our new house.

...for the last 8 years you felt the need to mention just how tiny our house was in each and every christmas letter you wrote.

...instead of actually interacting with them, you choose to take pictures of your grandchildren from the other side of the child safety gate.

...you spend nearly your entire visit with your head immersed in either a newspaper article or a cheap romance novel.

...when f. asks you to play a game with him you say no.

...you only bought one gift for m&k to share just because they are twins.

...you still cant tell m & k apart.

...you talk over f. when he is trying to tell you something important.

...my husband's heart cant help but be hardened a little bit after each one of your visits.

too good to be true

the in-laws have descended. currently i am seething. i am just going to leave it at, i knew it was too good to be true. i knew the last visit was an anomaly. now i have to go revive the seat cushions on the couch were their arses were planted for the last 6 or so hours - in the room where the children are not allowed. after all, christmas is all about the children, right?! seething...

merry christmas

ahh, the chaos of it all. christmas eve f. and i spent at the hospital, visiting with current NICU families and bedrested moms. the parents support group that i am a part of provided brunch for the NICU and bedrest families. once again i was reminded of just how fortunate we are to have three healthy children. i visited with a mom who was just wrapping up her 11th - yes 11th week on hospital bedrest. she had a smile on her face and was taking pleasure in the simple things like a the prospect of a wheel chair ride and a seated shower. only a former bedrester could understand that. l. - you are doing such a fantastic job - i am so proud of you. i hope and pray that you get your wish of ZERO days in the NICU. keep up the good work!

i was so pleased that f. wanted to go with me to the hospital and "pay it forward" as we say in our house. even now, two years later, f. can tell you when we are nearing the hospital - he knows that place like the back of his hand. imagine having that knowledge as a 5 year old. i was more than thrilled that we wanted to go help me make the day a little easier for the families that have no choice but to spend it there. as we pulled out of the parking garage he said to me, "mommy, that was fun!" my heart was warm to know that he now has a fond memory of the hospital. mission accomplished.

granny and pop brought dinner and presents galore for christmas eve and packed enough for a sleepover. we all woke up early this morning and enjoyed christmas through the eyes of children. there is nothing like waking up and seeing presents piled high around the chrismas tree and finding your stocking brimming with gifts as well. it was a bit of a feeding frenzy under the tree. just adding more proof to my theory that some days my life is like an episode of "when animals attack." it was soo much fun though! k. was really into opening presents - he didnt care whose present or what was inside really. he just truly enjoyed taking the wrapping paper off one scrap at a time. m. was all about what was inside of the presents, but didnt want to be bothered with removing the paper himself. if you gave him a present he would run around with it screaming "open, open, open, open" until someone would catch him and open it up for him. f. took joy in putting together all of his loot once opened. his new lego set with 445 pieces is about 1/4 of the way assembled and he was sad to have to leave to visit family this afternoon.

all in all it was a wonderful day. i am so fortunate to have a wonderful family and tonight i go to bed with a full and warm heart.

merry christmas everyone.

for all the NICU moms and dads out there

even now, two years later, it is still hard some days.

reprinted from Parenting Your Premature Baby and Child: The Emotional Journey by Deborah L. Davis (Author), Mara Tesler Stein (Author)

***** Imagines *****

Imagine... the unimaginable.

Imagine... the countdown to your due date taking on an urgency that could be a matter of life an death.

Imagine...all you have read about pregnancy and infancy becoming useless, and everything you believe about what to expect becoming irrelevant.

Imagine... the uncertainty and confusion, the fear and dread that replace happy anticipation.

Imagine... feeling your unborn baby kick and move -- knowing that each day inside matters and hoping for a week, a day, an hour.

Imagine... enduring a medical crisis during a time that is meant to be challenging but still smooth and natural.

Imagine... bracing yourself for the worst, during a time that is supposed to be filled with the best.

Imagine... the losses. Imagine being robbed of the final months of pregnancy -- that time of preparation, adjustment, and delicious anticipation.

Imagine... missing the birth you had planned, losing forever those precious moments after delivery.

Imagine... your tiny unfinished baby -- perhaps blue and unresponsive -- whisked away by strangers in scrubs.

Imagine... being left with empty arms and an aching heart.

Imagine... facing an overwhelming, unfamiliar, and frightening landscape -- a foreign land -- where humming machines loom over tiny babies.

Imagine... struggling to learn the new language of newborn intensive care, not comprehending what is happening.

Imagine... a flood of questions filling your mind, along with the terror asking them and hearing the answers.

Imagine... wanting to hope, being afraid to hope, longing to know what the future holds.

Imagine... wanting to protect your baby from pain and suffering in the NICU, knowing that your womb or your arms are far gentler than the embrace of warming beds and ventilators.

Imagine... aching to nurse a baby who is far to young or sick to suckle.

Imagine... longing to caress and cuddle, fearing your touch will hurt.

Imagine... holding your baby for the first time and realizing that your voice and touch are comforting.

Imagine... going home without your new baby, to an unfinished nursery and a life turned upside down.

Imagine... an uncertain future stretching before you, perhaps filled with doctors and evaluations and therapists.

Imagine... watching your baby's breathing and not taking it for granted.

Imagine... measuring your baby's feeding in millimeters and weight gain by the ounce.

Imagine... having to work so hard to help your baby grow and develop, and wanting so much to attain a sense of normalcy.

Imagine... feeling all alone, searching for a way to convey this experience to the people who care about you.

Imagine... being faced with an unexpected path, a journey that is very different from the one you had planned.

sadness

i have been struggling to put together this post for the better part of the week. this is supposed to be a time of peace and rejoicing, especially for families. earlier this week i cautiously opened an email titled "sad news" from a really close friend. that title didnt quite cover the magnitude of what happened. k. - i am so sorry for the loss of your nephew, garrett. no parent should ever have to bury their child. as a mother this thought is unimaginable.

tragically, garrett lost his life way too early. he spent his last day with his family decorating their christmas tree on this, only his 2nd christmas. i hope that some day his parents and brothers can find some comfort in enjoying this last tradition with him. we will all miss little garrett and remember his bright smile forever.












Garrett Wall Feldmann
(April 18, 2007 - December 16, 2008)

getting into the holiday spirit yet?

here maybe this will help - from the nicu days when they were "posable"

two by two

two two year olds. let that sink in. two two year olds! i can hardly believe it. this time of year conjures all sorts of emotions for me. there are all the memories of the bedrest and nicu days; coupled with the sheer joy of bringing m. home to complete our family of five. the hustle and bustle of this time of year got in the way of me actually making it here to wish you happy birthday on your actual birthday - but the wishes were shared with you nonetheless in real life. i love both of you more than ever and for all the same reasons and for totally different reasons all at once.

















m. you continue to celebrate language. currently your two favorite words are banana and coffee. you say both with such exuberance that one would think you are addicted to star.bucks just like your mama. you are a constant stream of narrative, all. day. long. then you wake up and start all over again. this month you have been particularly obstinent and began to voice your dissent loud and clear - "NO!"

you also scared mommy half to death when you discovered that in fact you are top heavy as suspected and toppled head first out of the shopping cart onto the carpet at a local department store. mommy cried longer than you did, trust me. i am sure you have already forgotten the incident, but the image of you starting to go over, when you were just out of my reach, will haunt me for years to come. i am sure the mother of the year committee is marking this down as we speak.

m., you continue to be a snuggle bug and can always be counted on for a good ole fashioned snuggle session. granted they are getting shorter in duration, and i could do without the narration, but i will take what i can get. you have been eating like a champ for the most part and have somehow developed a little game whereby you convince k. to give you everything on his plate once your plate is empty. then you laugh, stuff your face and utter "uuummmmm, ummm!"

















k. you are such a happy little dude, except when you are not - and then you are almost inconsolable. generally though if i scream back, you will burst into laughter and forget what the problem was too begin with. i see the title of class clown in your future. you love to deliver kisses and will hit m. over the head just to have the opportunity to shower him with kisses. you couldnt be happier than to give m. everything on your plate to eat and then slyly steal his milk and polish it off before he knows it was even missing. generally he is too busy talking about how yummy his food is anyway.

k. you are still avoiding the use of language to communicate your needs, wants, desires, etc. you have a stock pile of about 3 words: ma (mom), maa (max), and mi (milk). i know you understand soo much more than you are letting on. i have to remind myself that just like with walking, you will do it on your own schedule. its hard to get mad at you when you are soo busy delivering kisses, giggles and hugs.
















love you both, two by two!

herding cats

i spent the better part of today trying to get pictures done for our christmas card. it was, i imagine, much like what it would be like to herd cats. at all times, one of the three was either screaming, running away, pulling anothers hair, turning away from the camera, closing their eyes, etc. i failed miserably, on multiple occasions. when i posted a status on fb alluding to the difficulty of corralling three children at once, a well intentioned friend and mother of ONE commented, just sing "if you are happy and you know it... -works everytime!" i wish her many successful pictures in the future, but taking a picture of one person is NOTHING like taking a picture of three small and totally irrational people.

here is the progression of the first failure...

see how easy it is with one?














then add a second and suddently the first disappears, and for some reason m. looks drunk...














two outta three ain't bad. i considered using this one with some sort of naughty vs. nice theme...














oops, he's gone...















and so after a snack and the idea to add a chair in which to contain the cats kids, we decided to give it a second shot.

one in the chair, even two smiling, k. still not on board...















this one of the new carpet is a contender...














j. turned on the tv convinced this would keep them sitting...














nice idea, in theory...















well, tomorrow is always a new day. gotta run that is the pharmacy calling about my refill on my prozac.

blogosphere, 12 noon, be there...

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

antigone - you are a wonderful mom and you deserve all of your dreams and those of your children to come true. congratulations - i cant wait to meet perseus!























if you are reading this today, and you are not antigone (hi antigone!), please take a minute and go wish this inspiring woman well. you can find her here.

new house, new rules

somewhere along the line i have allowed myself to become a short order cook at dinnertime. its terrible and sets a bad precedent. i know this. i let everyone know that when we moved into the new house, that i would be making one dinner, those who ate it would be allowed to have dessert, if in fact it was a dessert night. those who chose not to eat it would sadly be hungry. i also told f., my chief picky eater, that he could choose what we eat for dinner two nights a week. so far this plan has been failing miserably. but i will not cave.

last night i had made breaded chicken sandwiches for jon and i, and for the kids, just i cut up the chicken. we also had cheesey potatoes and green beans. as far as i am concerned cut up breaded chicken is essentially chicken nuggets, am i right?! so here is how it went down when the kiddos came to the table.

m&k were strapped into their brand new booster seats and proceeded to sniff their food and push their plates at each other. as if to say, i am not going to eat it, you eat it. this little game ultimately ends in plates being hurled across the room and demands for "sauce." m. did appease me by eating a green bean, which he proceeded to chew on for the remainder of dinner. f. was finding every excuse in the book to not come to the table. finally when he does come to the table he says "oh gross - i am NOT eating this!!" he was then told that it was in fact dessert night and that our wonderful former neighbor had brought us a yummy chocolate and peanut butter pie that looked delicious. but sorry, not dinner, no dessert. now mind you, i am not being a total hard a$$. the rule is you have to try everything on your plate, not clean your plate - pretty sweet deal i think.

so f. proceeds to whine about how disgusting dinner is and what is this stuff on the green beans (salt, pepper and parmesan cheese - i know highly offensive!), etc. finally after having enough of it, j. sends f. to his room. honestly i forget the straw that broke the camels back, because we are having night after night of this drama. in the end f. had to be carried to his room.

ten minutes later, he opens the door and says, "come on, you guys have to give me another chance!" at this point, i had already cleaned up dinner and thrown away the contents on his plate. j. goes up stairs to have a heart to heart with f. a few minutes later j. returns and says the deal is f. is supposed to apologize, thank me for making dinner, eat a green bean and then he may have dessert. so when f. comes down he says to me "thanks mommy for making a delicious dinner!" heartfelt of course, because he didnt taste a single bite of it. so i reply "you are welcome, is there something else you would like to say to me?" and f. says, with a sly little grin, "yes mommy - you are beautiful". and so of course, moments later he was eating dessert.

nearly two and other changes

i know i have said this before, but sometimes i really do still have trouble digesting the fact that i am a mom of twins. compound this with the fact that the will be turning two on saturday. its hard to take it all in. but still on saturday my two boys will be two years old!

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we are slowly settling into the new digs. f. started his new school on monday. i am so proud of him, he is taking all the changes like a real champ. its a lot for a 5 year old to manage. about 30 other kids get on the bus at his stop, which i imagine can be pretty intimidating. granted he did have a nervous belly puke fest the first day of school, but that seems to be behind us.

we have such wonderful new neighbors. we have met everyone on the cul de sac now and have been greeted with wonderful homemade still warm from the oven baked goods, bottles of wine and free pizza coupons, etc. thoughtful and soo appreciated. i really think we made a good choice. now if some of the furniture we ordered would hurry up and arrive i could stop sleeping on a single mattress on the floor like a college student.