well, another year has gone by so quickly. these last two months have been particularly stressful for my family and i, for one, am particularly looking forward to a new year. fingers crossed, it looks like keegan will get discharged tomorrow!!!! what a way to start the new year. i can hardly believe that tomorrow night i might have a baby sleeping in the basinette bedside.
i think tomorrow will be bittersweet though as i am having a really hard time with the concept of leaving max behind. forget about the logistic nightmare of having one here and one still in the nicu, its an emotional quandry too. how do i divide my time?!?! probably a question i am going to be asking myself often as a mother of multiples. the reality is that i can't be in more than one place at a time. but i am sad that i can't totally be home to enjoy keegan's homecoming and i can't always be in the nicu to get max on a fasttrack to get his walking papers as well. its going to be hard! all this is to say nothing of my sweet fin who is feeling a bit displaced himself these days. i am eagerly awaiting the night that there are five of us sleeping under the very same roof!
i hope the new year is a great one for everyone. here is wishing you happiness and good health!
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
the nicu roller coaster
ok, i can't say that i wasn't warned. i certainly heard from everyone i knew with any nicu experience under their belt to be prepared for the roller coaster, aka the preemie shuffle (two steps forward, one step back). after the initial days of ventilators and IVs the boys had just been coasting along. i naively thought we weren't going to ride the roller coaster. word to the wise - listen to the advice of those that have been there before you.
right before christmas max had a set back. everything was going great, he was basically just eating and growing - then wham he is having bloody diapers. i mean it seemed like it happened just like that. i went to bed one night thinking everything was fine, the next morning i called his nurse like i do every morning. i expected to hear what i usually heard, max had a good night, nothing really to report. instead, she starts with, well, max had a rough night. for an endless 48 hours we were waiting for blood results and expecting the news to be that he had developed NEC, basically a deadening of part of the bowel. pretty serious stuff! thankfully, it looks like max just picked up a virus. he is finishing up the antibiotics they started him on to treat NEC or anything else while we waited on results, and the diapers have cleared up. he even breastfed tonight for about 20 minutes - a huge improvement over all my other attempts to breastfeed him!
and that is just when the other shoe drops. the nurse practicioner walks in and says that keegan might need a blood transfusion. yikes! his red blood count numbers are low, and right now we are just watching out for signs that he is not tolerating this drop. apparantly the transfusions are more of a last resort kind of thing - which doesnt instill much confidence. keegan did get started on some medication to help produce the blood cells, but it takes 2 weeks to kick in! i have learned all too well that anything can happen in two weeks. so i guess we just wait and pray.
right before christmas max had a set back. everything was going great, he was basically just eating and growing - then wham he is having bloody diapers. i mean it seemed like it happened just like that. i went to bed one night thinking everything was fine, the next morning i called his nurse like i do every morning. i expected to hear what i usually heard, max had a good night, nothing really to report. instead, she starts with, well, max had a rough night. for an endless 48 hours we were waiting for blood results and expecting the news to be that he had developed NEC, basically a deadening of part of the bowel. pretty serious stuff! thankfully, it looks like max just picked up a virus. he is finishing up the antibiotics they started him on to treat NEC or anything else while we waited on results, and the diapers have cleared up. he even breastfed tonight for about 20 minutes - a huge improvement over all my other attempts to breastfeed him!
and that is just when the other shoe drops. the nurse practicioner walks in and says that keegan might need a blood transfusion. yikes! his red blood count numbers are low, and right now we are just watching out for signs that he is not tolerating this drop. apparantly the transfusions are more of a last resort kind of thing - which doesnt instill much confidence. keegan did get started on some medication to help produce the blood cells, but it takes 2 weeks to kick in! i have learned all too well that anything can happen in two weeks. so i guess we just wait and pray.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
what happened?!?!
well, its unanimous - everyone's first response was something along the lines of "what happened?!" when they found out that our boys had arrived, ever so early.
it happened something like this...
on saturday, dec 2nd, i was discharged from the hospital. i went home on the terbutaline pump and with a monitor to check for contractions twice a day. a word of caution, being home is great, but there is nothing like the safety of the hospital. home monitoring is not all it is cracked up to be. some of you might remember that i had a problem with the terb pump when it first tried to change the medicine myself. mainly the problem was that the pump was broken and the company didn't believe me that it wasnt working properly. about 7 hours later, i had a new pump, because as it turns out the first one was broken. in the meantime, my bolis of medicine had to be increased from every 4 hours to every 3 hours to stop contractions that started while the pump crisis was worked out. anyway, true to form, the home contraction monitor didnt work properly either. the idea was, hook myself up to it for an hour in the morning and and hour at night. then i was to connect the thing to my phone and send the data to the company once a day. well, each time i tried to send the data only one section would go - either the day or the night. it was very random. finally, the tuesday before the boys were born, i couldn't even get any data to send. the company decided that i should call my doctor if i had any problems and they would send a new monitor in the morning. well - the new monitor came alright, round about the time i was laying on the operating table giving birth to two very premature boys.
basically, i was contracting tuesday, unbeknownst to us because of the faulty machine. by the time i was feeling the contractions and went to the hospital, the contractions were3-4 minutes apart and i was already dialated to 3-4 centimeters. my dr. tried giving me magnesium, but the contractions didnt stop. around 11:45 am on wednesday after increasing the mag i was dialated to about 5-7 cm and the decisions was made to do the c-section. the boys were born at 12:40 and 12:41pm on wednesday dec 6th.
it has been a whirlwind since then. and thank God the boys are doing well. they have been in the NICU for 2 weeks and are growing well. they are performing as expected and will hopefully be home soon. so far the only scary news is that they have what is referred to as A and B episodes. basically, they forget to keep breathing (apnea) and their heart rate goes down (brady cardia). fortunately, they are recovering well after each episode. it is hard to see it happen and hear the monitor dinging away. really hard!! neurologically, they should outgrow these episodes in a few weeks. however, much to our chagrin, if they have an episode within 5 days of being discharged they will be sent home on monitors. obviously our faith in home monitoring has been understandably shaken. we just keep praying that the boys will outgrow these episodes soon!
on the bright side though, i did get to breastfeed for the first time yesterday. keegan did fantastic and max is still learning a bit. it was amazing to finally have this bonding experience with my boys. i cant wait until they are home with us for good!
it happened something like this...
on saturday, dec 2nd, i was discharged from the hospital. i went home on the terbutaline pump and with a monitor to check for contractions twice a day. a word of caution, being home is great, but there is nothing like the safety of the hospital. home monitoring is not all it is cracked up to be. some of you might remember that i had a problem with the terb pump when it first tried to change the medicine myself. mainly the problem was that the pump was broken and the company didn't believe me that it wasnt working properly. about 7 hours later, i had a new pump, because as it turns out the first one was broken. in the meantime, my bolis of medicine had to be increased from every 4 hours to every 3 hours to stop contractions that started while the pump crisis was worked out. anyway, true to form, the home contraction monitor didnt work properly either. the idea was, hook myself up to it for an hour in the morning and and hour at night. then i was to connect the thing to my phone and send the data to the company once a day. well, each time i tried to send the data only one section would go - either the day or the night. it was very random. finally, the tuesday before the boys were born, i couldn't even get any data to send. the company decided that i should call my doctor if i had any problems and they would send a new monitor in the morning. well - the new monitor came alright, round about the time i was laying on the operating table giving birth to two very premature boys.
basically, i was contracting tuesday, unbeknownst to us because of the faulty machine. by the time i was feeling the contractions and went to the hospital, the contractions were3-4 minutes apart and i was already dialated to 3-4 centimeters. my dr. tried giving me magnesium, but the contractions didnt stop. around 11:45 am on wednesday after increasing the mag i was dialated to about 5-7 cm and the decisions was made to do the c-section. the boys were born at 12:40 and 12:41pm on wednesday dec 6th.
it has been a whirlwind since then. and thank God the boys are doing well. they have been in the NICU for 2 weeks and are growing well. they are performing as expected and will hopefully be home soon. so far the only scary news is that they have what is referred to as A and B episodes. basically, they forget to keep breathing (apnea) and their heart rate goes down (brady cardia). fortunately, they are recovering well after each episode. it is hard to see it happen and hear the monitor dinging away. really hard!! neurologically, they should outgrow these episodes in a few weeks. however, much to our chagrin, if they have an episode within 5 days of being discharged they will be sent home on monitors. obviously our faith in home monitoring has been understandably shaken. we just keep praying that the boys will outgrow these episodes soon!
on the bright side though, i did get to breastfeed for the first time yesterday. keegan did fantastic and max is still learning a bit. it was amazing to finally have this bonding experience with my boys. i cant wait until they are home with us for good!
Saturday, December 9, 2006
new arrivals
we are thrilled to announce the arrival of our sons
max collin, born 12:40PM on december 6, 2006, weighing in at 4 lbs 6 oz
&
keegan robert, born 12:41PM, weighing in at 3 lbs 8 oz
nicole, jon and big brother fin
here is max...
here is keegan...
max collin, born 12:40PM on december 6, 2006, weighing in at 4 lbs 6 oz
&
keegan robert, born 12:41PM, weighing in at 3 lbs 8 oz
nicole, jon and big brother fin
here is max...
here is keegan...
Sunday, December 3, 2006
the best wake up call ever
after weeks of being awakened to the sound of either someone knocking on my door and hollaring "dietary", someone fumbling with keys to open the supply closet located outside my hospital room or the deafening sound of the vacuum cleaner which for some reason only happens at 5AM - this morning was a welcome change. for the first time in a month, i slept in my very own bed last night and my son woke me up at 6:30AM screaming "mommy, mommy, mommy!!" i have to say, it was music to my ears. we snuggled in my bed for what felt like forever and just giggled and played and finally woke daddy up to get us some breakfast. then we had breakfast in bed, only dribbling crumbs on daddy's side. it was the best morning i have had in a very, very long time!
yes, i am home! friday evening, my team of doctors agreed that it was time for me to go home. i was discharged from the hospital on saturday morning and have been home ever since. i am continuing under the same bedrest restrictions here - but boy what a difference a change of venue can make! we are just hoping that it will be quite some time before i have to go back to AAMC. with any luck santa will actually come before these babies. otherwise, it is going to take some explaining to fin.
ok, thats all for now, i am off to enjoy my very own bedroom!
yes, i am home! friday evening, my team of doctors agreed that it was time for me to go home. i was discharged from the hospital on saturday morning and have been home ever since. i am continuing under the same bedrest restrictions here - but boy what a difference a change of venue can make! we are just hoping that it will be quite some time before i have to go back to AAMC. with any luck santa will actually come before these babies. otherwise, it is going to take some explaining to fin.
ok, thats all for now, i am off to enjoy my very own bedroom!
Thursday, November 30, 2006
we did it!
yesterday was our 30 week milestone -wohoo!! last night my amazing friends brought mom's night out to me again. these fantastic gals have helped to make the time pass here, and even be enjoyable at times. a night of pizza, ice cream, adorable baby outfits, and great conversation is just what this pregnant lady needed 30 weeks into a twin's pregnancy. thanks soo much k. and a.!!!!
so, here i am one day on the other side of 30 weeks. when we first got here, that seemed soo far off, soo unattainable. i am elated that we have made it this far. once born, our boys will no longer be considered extreme preemies. their chances for long term health concerns have significantly decreased and as my pediatrician put it, we can now breathe a sigh of relief. it feels good to be here.
at the same time, it has been a long road. there were days here when i just could not stop crying and the clock seemed to be moving at a snails pace. thanksgiving was a particularly tough day for me. spending a holiday in the hospital is really difficult. at the time, all i could think of was that i was going to be here for christmas as well. just how depressing that thought was for me. it was one of those days were if someone just looks at you or asks how you are, you melt away into tears immediately. as i mentioned before, things change in an instant here. the friday after thanksgiving we got some really great news. dr. l. came to check my cervix again, and in fact it had lengthened - who knew?! it was something we really didn't expect, but boy was it welcome news. on the basis of this news, dr. l. and my OB dr. j. agreed that i should spend christmas at home on bedrest. this was the morale booster that i totally needed. somehow things just happen when you need them too when you have faith and say your prayers to st. gerard. just the prospect of this news has kept the tears at bay. i am soo hopeful that my situation will remain stable for a few more weeks and i can wake up christmas morning AT HOME and see my son's shining face ready to see what santa has delivered.
so, here i am one day on the other side of 30 weeks. when we first got here, that seemed soo far off, soo unattainable. i am elated that we have made it this far. once born, our boys will no longer be considered extreme preemies. their chances for long term health concerns have significantly decreased and as my pediatrician put it, we can now breathe a sigh of relief. it feels good to be here.
at the same time, it has been a long road. there were days here when i just could not stop crying and the clock seemed to be moving at a snails pace. thanksgiving was a particularly tough day for me. spending a holiday in the hospital is really difficult. at the time, all i could think of was that i was going to be here for christmas as well. just how depressing that thought was for me. it was one of those days were if someone just looks at you or asks how you are, you melt away into tears immediately. as i mentioned before, things change in an instant here. the friday after thanksgiving we got some really great news. dr. l. came to check my cervix again, and in fact it had lengthened - who knew?! it was something we really didn't expect, but boy was it welcome news. on the basis of this news, dr. l. and my OB dr. j. agreed that i should spend christmas at home on bedrest. this was the morale booster that i totally needed. somehow things just happen when you need them too when you have faith and say your prayers to st. gerard. just the prospect of this news has kept the tears at bay. i am soo hopeful that my situation will remain stable for a few more weeks and i can wake up christmas morning AT HOME and see my son's shining face ready to see what santa has delivered.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
one more day til 30 weeks
as i type, i really can't believe that i have been here for almost a month! tomorrow we will celebrate our 30 week milestone. on our first day here, that seemed like such an unattainable goal. everyone kept saying, if we can just get you to 30 weeks we will be happy. knock on wood, we have made it.
my mom and son have declared wednesdays (the day my gestational calendar flips to a new week) to be national picnic days. they make a sign to congratulate the two boys in my belly for making it another week and bring me some food from the outside. yes talk like that ("from the outside") makes it sound like i am in a prison. some days it feels like one! but how i do look forward to picnic days! it makes my day when i hear my son running down the hall (i am certain the whole hospital hears him) and come crashing through my door. this whole thing is really the hardest on him. he is acting out in ways that most 3 year olds do, but in my heart i know its because i am here and not at home.
last week he saw my terbutaline pump for the first time. it looks like a little beeper that houses the medicine to keep the contractions away. the medicine is delivered into my leg through a tiny catheter that i have to insert myself. once placed, it stays there for about 5 days until i move it to a new location. anyway, when he saw it, of course he wanted to know what it was. so i told him it was just a little medicine that goes into mommies leg to help keep his brothers in my tummy until they get big and strong. he said "oh, what flavor is it?" after i explained that i didn't really think it had a flavor he decided that it really did, and was in fact strawberry flavored. when moments like that happen, i realize he is going to get through this too.
my mom and son have declared wednesdays (the day my gestational calendar flips to a new week) to be national picnic days. they make a sign to congratulate the two boys in my belly for making it another week and bring me some food from the outside. yes talk like that ("from the outside") makes it sound like i am in a prison. some days it feels like one! but how i do look forward to picnic days! it makes my day when i hear my son running down the hall (i am certain the whole hospital hears him) and come crashing through my door. this whole thing is really the hardest on him. he is acting out in ways that most 3 year olds do, but in my heart i know its because i am here and not at home.
last week he saw my terbutaline pump for the first time. it looks like a little beeper that houses the medicine to keep the contractions away. the medicine is delivered into my leg through a tiny catheter that i have to insert myself. once placed, it stays there for about 5 days until i move it to a new location. anyway, when he saw it, of course he wanted to know what it was. so i told him it was just a little medicine that goes into mommies leg to help keep his brothers in my tummy until they get big and strong. he said "oh, what flavor is it?" after i explained that i didn't really think it had a flavor he decided that it really did, and was in fact strawberry flavored. when moments like that happen, i realize he is going to get through this too.
Monday, November 27, 2006
25 days in
i have been here for 25 days - 25!! that is a long time. and it has been a roller coaster of a ride. after a couple of days here i contacted the mothers of multiples group of annapolis to let them know about my situation. they are an amazing group. women i have never met offered to help in soo many ways. i met an amazing woman, k. (you know who you are), who in particular reached out and shared her story with me. more than just sharing her story (she spent weeks on bedrest in the room right next to me earlier this year) she shared her time. she brought me a care package, that only someone who spent time on bedrest could have put together. she has cried with me, laughed with me and told me the secrets to getting through this new world i am living in. i am eternally grateful that she reached out and has been my own personal cheerleader. thank you k.!
the other peaks and valleys of the roller coaster have included everything from a mom's night in complete with two fantastic friends, margaritas, mexican food and maracas (thanks girls!) to having contractions 5 minutes apart thinking these babies were on their way in moments. it is all about expecting the unexpected here. i wake up not knowing what the day will bring. some days i get a clue based on who my nurse is. seriously - i can tell if i am going to have a really bad day when i have certain nurses. finally i wised up and put a nurse or two on the list of people who i just don't want to treat me. save for those couple of people, the rest of the nurses here are incredible. they have befriended me, ask about my son daily and encourage me to make it through each day. i think being a nurse is really an underappreciated job - just stay in a hospital for more than a few days and i think you will agree.
the other peaks and valleys of the roller coaster have included everything from a mom's night in complete with two fantastic friends, margaritas, mexican food and maracas (thanks girls!) to having contractions 5 minutes apart thinking these babies were on their way in moments. it is all about expecting the unexpected here. i wake up not knowing what the day will bring. some days i get a clue based on who my nurse is. seriously - i can tell if i am going to have a really bad day when i have certain nurses. finally i wised up and put a nurse or two on the list of people who i just don't want to treat me. save for those couple of people, the rest of the nurses here are incredible. they have befriended me, ask about my son daily and encourage me to make it through each day. i think being a nurse is really an underappreciated job - just stay in a hospital for more than a few days and i think you will agree.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
i'm here, so now what
it took me up until this point to realize, this very notion - ok, i am here, so now what. and even so, i am not sure i have totally accepted it. everything for me has changed. i can't tuck my 3 year old in at night, and sneak in after he is asleep to watch his peaceful little face. i can't climb into bed next to my husband and cuddle up. heck, i can't even go to the bathroom without being questioned about the results therein. mostly though i can't stop thinking about the future of these two boys in my belly.
the changes are not just about me though. everyone around me is touched by them. my son is the one i worry about the most. he went from having me there always, to having to get in a car to see me for a few minutes each day. i wonder, can a 3 year old really understand what is going on? now his daddy is his caregiver - a job he splits with my own mother. my mom went from living her own life to dropping everything to help us out. dropping everything included cancelling a 2 week cruise that had been planned for over a year. (the definition of guilt in and of itself) she is an amazing granny and we couldn't be luckier to have her in our life. my son introduces her as his friend, and this is a true testament to the effort she makes to be a part of his life. an effort that is borne simply out of love.
my husband's world has totally changed too. even though he still plays the role of dad, husband, etc. the duties have multiplied ten fold. on top of all this he has to find time to visit me and try to keep me somewhat sane (a big job these days). he is doing a great job - and learning things that he probably never thought he needed to know. he is under an incredible amount of stress, and dealing with it wonderfully. his (paid) job sucks right now which is stressful enough, but now he is also taking on the stress of learning about what is expected from pre-mature babies. thats the hard part about just being in bed all day- there is soo much i wish i could be doing to help.
my first night here a nurse from the NICU came to talk to us about what to expect from babies born at 26 weeks of pregnancy. when someone is sitting in your hospital room telling all the things that can go wrong with your boys a defensive wall goes up. hearing things like your babies have a 60% chance of survival will stop you in your tracks. i wanted to cry, to scream, to run away and hide from it all. but the reality is, all i could do was lay in bed and hope and pray for another day. some days were much harder than others. the reality is that all the days are hard. there isn't an easy day on bedrest. it is hard to remind yourself that you are doing the best thing for your children. but that is the "now what?" part - i am doing the best thing that i can for my children right now.
the changes are not just about me though. everyone around me is touched by them. my son is the one i worry about the most. he went from having me there always, to having to get in a car to see me for a few minutes each day. i wonder, can a 3 year old really understand what is going on? now his daddy is his caregiver - a job he splits with my own mother. my mom went from living her own life to dropping everything to help us out. dropping everything included cancelling a 2 week cruise that had been planned for over a year. (the definition of guilt in and of itself) she is an amazing granny and we couldn't be luckier to have her in our life. my son introduces her as his friend, and this is a true testament to the effort she makes to be a part of his life. an effort that is borne simply out of love.
my husband's world has totally changed too. even though he still plays the role of dad, husband, etc. the duties have multiplied ten fold. on top of all this he has to find time to visit me and try to keep me somewhat sane (a big job these days). he is doing a great job - and learning things that he probably never thought he needed to know. he is under an incredible amount of stress, and dealing with it wonderfully. his (paid) job sucks right now which is stressful enough, but now he is also taking on the stress of learning about what is expected from pre-mature babies. thats the hard part about just being in bed all day- there is soo much i wish i could be doing to help.
my first night here a nurse from the NICU came to talk to us about what to expect from babies born at 26 weeks of pregnancy. when someone is sitting in your hospital room telling all the things that can go wrong with your boys a defensive wall goes up. hearing things like your babies have a 60% chance of survival will stop you in your tracks. i wanted to cry, to scream, to run away and hide from it all. but the reality is, all i could do was lay in bed and hope and pray for another day. some days were much harder than others. the reality is that all the days are hard. there isn't an easy day on bedrest. it is hard to remind yourself that you are doing the best thing for your children. but that is the "now what?" part - i am doing the best thing that i can for my children right now.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
the very beginning
we all have moments in our life that happen unexpectedly. one minute you are living your life, its just another day, and the next everything is turned upside down. its amazing how your world can change in an instant.
there are a couple of instants that brought me to this place. the first one was seeing two amazing heartbeats on the sonogram machine at 6.5 weeks of pregnancy. i knew i was pregnant (after a long struggle) but we didn't know that our family of three would grow to a family of 5 in just an instant. it was a feeling of total elation when i saw those heartbeats. followed later by the panic of how will i be a mother of twins.
given the amount of effort and medicine involved to bring these tiny lives into the world, i was having a relatively uncomplicated pregnancy. that is just when those instances occur - right when you are cruising along. i was at a routine dr. visit on nov. 2nd (26 weeks into my pregnancy) when all of the sudden the sonogram room got very quiet. i knew in my heart that something was wrong. dr. l. said, "ok, you go ahead and get dressed, i will be back in a minute to talk to you". this was not part of the routine. as it turns out, my cervix had shortened to about 1cm (a normal one is 4cm or <). i was shuffled off to dr. l.'s office while he called my OB and shared the news. when they began to converse about what kind of help i had at home, i knew that bedrest was going to be discussed. little did i know that bedrest for me would occur in the hospital. i walked across the street to the hospital and have been here ever since.
there are a couple of instants that brought me to this place. the first one was seeing two amazing heartbeats on the sonogram machine at 6.5 weeks of pregnancy. i knew i was pregnant (after a long struggle) but we didn't know that our family of three would grow to a family of 5 in just an instant. it was a feeling of total elation when i saw those heartbeats. followed later by the panic of how will i be a mother of twins.
given the amount of effort and medicine involved to bring these tiny lives into the world, i was having a relatively uncomplicated pregnancy. that is just when those instances occur - right when you are cruising along. i was at a routine dr. visit on nov. 2nd (26 weeks into my pregnancy) when all of the sudden the sonogram room got very quiet. i knew in my heart that something was wrong. dr. l. said, "ok, you go ahead and get dressed, i will be back in a minute to talk to you". this was not part of the routine. as it turns out, my cervix had shortened to about 1cm (a normal one is 4cm or <). i was shuffled off to dr. l.'s office while he called my OB and shared the news. when they began to converse about what kind of help i had at home, i knew that bedrest was going to be discussed. little did i know that bedrest for me would occur in the hospital. i walked across the street to the hospital and have been here ever since.
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