it took me up until this point to realize, this very notion - ok, i am here, so now what. and even so, i am not sure i have totally accepted it. everything for me has changed. i can't tuck my 3 year old in at night, and sneak in after he is asleep to watch his peaceful little face. i can't climb into bed next to my husband and cuddle up. heck, i can't even go to the bathroom without being questioned about the results therein. mostly though i can't stop thinking about the future of these two boys in my belly.
the changes are not just about me though. everyone around me is touched by them. my son is the one i worry about the most. he went from having me there always, to having to get in a car to see me for a few minutes each day. i wonder, can a 3 year old really understand what is going on? now his daddy is his caregiver - a job he splits with my own mother. my mom went from living her own life to dropping everything to help us out. dropping everything included cancelling a 2 week cruise that had been planned for over a year. (the definition of guilt in and of itself) she is an amazing granny and we couldn't be luckier to have her in our life. my son introduces her as his friend, and this is a true testament to the effort she makes to be a part of his life. an effort that is borne simply out of love.
my husband's world has totally changed too. even though he still plays the role of dad, husband, etc. the duties have multiplied ten fold. on top of all this he has to find time to visit me and try to keep me somewhat sane (a big job these days). he is doing a great job - and learning things that he probably never thought he needed to know. he is under an incredible amount of stress, and dealing with it wonderfully. his (paid) job sucks right now which is stressful enough, but now he is also taking on the stress of learning about what is expected from pre-mature babies. thats the hard part about just being in bed all day- there is soo much i wish i could be doing to help.
my first night here a nurse from the NICU came to talk to us about what to expect from babies born at 26 weeks of pregnancy. when someone is sitting in your hospital room telling all the things that can go wrong with your boys a defensive wall goes up. hearing things like your babies have a 60% chance of survival will stop you in your tracks. i wanted to cry, to scream, to run away and hide from it all. but the reality is, all i could do was lay in bed and hope and pray for another day. some days were much harder than others. the reality is that all the days are hard. there isn't an easy day on bedrest. it is hard to remind yourself that you are doing the best thing for your children. but that is the "now what?" part - i am doing the best thing that i can for my children right now.
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