i have been spending a lot of time this week wondering why some people know how to love and some dont have a clue. is it because i was raised with two loving parents who were often telling me they loved me and not afraid of showing physical affection for me? is it because we are all born already knowing how to love and for some people that knowledge gets lost somewhere along the way? i dont know the answer, but i do know this i am eternally grateful that i fall into the category of those who do know how to love.
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j.'s mother is dying of cancer. its a cruel disease. i spent the better part of my week, helping her to the commode,, giving her medication, lifting her up and helping her get comfortable, cleaning her diapers, catching her bile in a basin as it flowed uncontrollably from her mouth, trying to soothe her spirit and soul all while trying to comfort her children who have spent a lifetime wondering why they often question the love their mother has for them. it was probably one of the most painful weeks of my life. i found myself encouraging her to apologize to her children for her choices that left them feeling unloved. i found myself teaching her how to apologize, telling her how a mother just plain makes sacrifices for their children, begging her not to love her children with condition, and finally telling her just to let go. later, alone with my thoughts i found myself overcome with emotion and i cried until i couldnt catch my breath. once i calmed down i realized that in being there for j. and l., i had said everything that i needed j's mom to know. it no longer mattered if she was a mother that didnt know how to love. it no longer mattered that she admittedly loved her children with condition. for her the end is very near, the damage has been done. but in standing up for her children, and in turn myself, everything that had been plaguing all of us was out in the open. i now truly know what a catharsis is. i said everything i needed to say, i cried all the tears i need to cry, and i am at peace.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
adrift
in case you have been living under a rock and may not have heard, maryland has been getting hammered with snow this winter. i have wonderful friends who live in ithaca, new york; you know where it is supposed to snow from oh say halloween right up until easter, who have been laughing maniacally at me recently. they can do that because they only have 4 inches of snow on the ground right now, where as i lost count somewhere around 40 inches.
when the snow drifts got to a point where i couldnt see over them, i started to go a little crazy. last night when the snow was coming down solid as it had been for the last 24 hours with no end in sight, i started to go a lot crazy. i have been alternating between cussing out mother nature, attempting to avoid the refrigerator and desparately trying to find something to watch on tv other than weather coverage. yes, we know its a sh!tload of snow, we are all trapped in our homes with nothing to do but watch tv - for the love of all things good, please put something on besides perky little weather reporters talking about how we are expecting yet another storm next week. you know people are going crazy when your own sweet mother sends you images of snowmen hanging themselves. yet somehow its not exactly comforting to know that we are all going crazy together.
did i mention that on tuesday, i was rudely awaken by the automated phone call from the county calling off school for the next day. AND FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK!! the automated message also included a sweet little reminder that monday is a holiday, and as planned, school will be closed then as well. fantastic! so much for all the stars aligning to attend the valentine's parties at school.
our street has been plowed, thank you home owners association. the driveway is cleaned out, thank you lovely neighbor with giant snowblower. the cars are cleaned off, thank you j. after my kids take a nap today we will leave this house. i dont care if we go to the dentist and have teeth extracted without the aid of anethesia, we will leave this house today. i am adrift in over 40 inches of snow and if i dont get out soon i fear for the sweet people who live with me.
when the snow drifts got to a point where i couldnt see over them, i started to go a little crazy. last night when the snow was coming down solid as it had been for the last 24 hours with no end in sight, i started to go a lot crazy. i have been alternating between cussing out mother nature, attempting to avoid the refrigerator and desparately trying to find something to watch on tv other than weather coverage. yes, we know its a sh!tload of snow, we are all trapped in our homes with nothing to do but watch tv - for the love of all things good, please put something on besides perky little weather reporters talking about how we are expecting yet another storm next week. you know people are going crazy when your own sweet mother sends you images of snowmen hanging themselves. yet somehow its not exactly comforting to know that we are all going crazy together.
did i mention that on tuesday, i was rudely awaken by the automated phone call from the county calling off school for the next day. AND FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK!! the automated message also included a sweet little reminder that monday is a holiday, and as planned, school will be closed then as well. fantastic! so much for all the stars aligning to attend the valentine's parties at school.
our street has been plowed, thank you home owners association. the driveway is cleaned out, thank you lovely neighbor with giant snowblower. the cars are cleaned off, thank you j. after my kids take a nap today we will leave this house. i dont care if we go to the dentist and have teeth extracted without the aid of anethesia, we will leave this house today. i am adrift in over 40 inches of snow and if i dont get out soon i fear for the sweet people who live with me.
Monday, February 1, 2010
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