yesterday was our 30 week milestone -wohoo!! last night my amazing friends brought mom's night out to me again. these fantastic gals have helped to make the time pass here, and even be enjoyable at times. a night of pizza, ice cream, adorable baby outfits, and great conversation is just what this pregnant lady needed 30 weeks into a twin's pregnancy. thanks soo much k. and a.!!!!
so, here i am one day on the other side of 30 weeks. when we first got here, that seemed soo far off, soo unattainable. i am elated that we have made it this far. once born, our boys will no longer be considered extreme preemies. their chances for long term health concerns have significantly decreased and as my pediatrician put it, we can now breathe a sigh of relief. it feels good to be here.
at the same time, it has been a long road. there were days here when i just could not stop crying and the clock seemed to be moving at a snails pace. thanksgiving was a particularly tough day for me. spending a holiday in the hospital is really difficult. at the time, all i could think of was that i was going to be here for christmas as well. just how depressing that thought was for me. it was one of those days were if someone just looks at you or asks how you are, you melt away into tears immediately. as i mentioned before, things change in an instant here. the friday after thanksgiving we got some really great news. dr. l. came to check my cervix again, and in fact it had lengthened - who knew?! it was something we really didn't expect, but boy was it welcome news. on the basis of this news, dr. l. and my OB dr. j. agreed that i should spend christmas at home on bedrest. this was the morale booster that i totally needed. somehow things just happen when you need them too when you have faith and say your prayers to st. gerard. just the prospect of this news has kept the tears at bay. i am soo hopeful that my situation will remain stable for a few more weeks and i can wake up christmas morning AT HOME and see my son's shining face ready to see what santa has delivered.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
one more day til 30 weeks
as i type, i really can't believe that i have been here for almost a month! tomorrow we will celebrate our 30 week milestone. on our first day here, that seemed like such an unattainable goal. everyone kept saying, if we can just get you to 30 weeks we will be happy. knock on wood, we have made it.
my mom and son have declared wednesdays (the day my gestational calendar flips to a new week) to be national picnic days. they make a sign to congratulate the two boys in my belly for making it another week and bring me some food from the outside. yes talk like that ("from the outside") makes it sound like i am in a prison. some days it feels like one! but how i do look forward to picnic days! it makes my day when i hear my son running down the hall (i am certain the whole hospital hears him) and come crashing through my door. this whole thing is really the hardest on him. he is acting out in ways that most 3 year olds do, but in my heart i know its because i am here and not at home.
last week he saw my terbutaline pump for the first time. it looks like a little beeper that houses the medicine to keep the contractions away. the medicine is delivered into my leg through a tiny catheter that i have to insert myself. once placed, it stays there for about 5 days until i move it to a new location. anyway, when he saw it, of course he wanted to know what it was. so i told him it was just a little medicine that goes into mommies leg to help keep his brothers in my tummy until they get big and strong. he said "oh, what flavor is it?" after i explained that i didn't really think it had a flavor he decided that it really did, and was in fact strawberry flavored. when moments like that happen, i realize he is going to get through this too.
my mom and son have declared wednesdays (the day my gestational calendar flips to a new week) to be national picnic days. they make a sign to congratulate the two boys in my belly for making it another week and bring me some food from the outside. yes talk like that ("from the outside") makes it sound like i am in a prison. some days it feels like one! but how i do look forward to picnic days! it makes my day when i hear my son running down the hall (i am certain the whole hospital hears him) and come crashing through my door. this whole thing is really the hardest on him. he is acting out in ways that most 3 year olds do, but in my heart i know its because i am here and not at home.
last week he saw my terbutaline pump for the first time. it looks like a little beeper that houses the medicine to keep the contractions away. the medicine is delivered into my leg through a tiny catheter that i have to insert myself. once placed, it stays there for about 5 days until i move it to a new location. anyway, when he saw it, of course he wanted to know what it was. so i told him it was just a little medicine that goes into mommies leg to help keep his brothers in my tummy until they get big and strong. he said "oh, what flavor is it?" after i explained that i didn't really think it had a flavor he decided that it really did, and was in fact strawberry flavored. when moments like that happen, i realize he is going to get through this too.
Monday, November 27, 2006
25 days in
i have been here for 25 days - 25!! that is a long time. and it has been a roller coaster of a ride. after a couple of days here i contacted the mothers of multiples group of annapolis to let them know about my situation. they are an amazing group. women i have never met offered to help in soo many ways. i met an amazing woman, k. (you know who you are), who in particular reached out and shared her story with me. more than just sharing her story (she spent weeks on bedrest in the room right next to me earlier this year) she shared her time. she brought me a care package, that only someone who spent time on bedrest could have put together. she has cried with me, laughed with me and told me the secrets to getting through this new world i am living in. i am eternally grateful that she reached out and has been my own personal cheerleader. thank you k.!
the other peaks and valleys of the roller coaster have included everything from a mom's night in complete with two fantastic friends, margaritas, mexican food and maracas (thanks girls!) to having contractions 5 minutes apart thinking these babies were on their way in moments. it is all about expecting the unexpected here. i wake up not knowing what the day will bring. some days i get a clue based on who my nurse is. seriously - i can tell if i am going to have a really bad day when i have certain nurses. finally i wised up and put a nurse or two on the list of people who i just don't want to treat me. save for those couple of people, the rest of the nurses here are incredible. they have befriended me, ask about my son daily and encourage me to make it through each day. i think being a nurse is really an underappreciated job - just stay in a hospital for more than a few days and i think you will agree.
the other peaks and valleys of the roller coaster have included everything from a mom's night in complete with two fantastic friends, margaritas, mexican food and maracas (thanks girls!) to having contractions 5 minutes apart thinking these babies were on their way in moments. it is all about expecting the unexpected here. i wake up not knowing what the day will bring. some days i get a clue based on who my nurse is. seriously - i can tell if i am going to have a really bad day when i have certain nurses. finally i wised up and put a nurse or two on the list of people who i just don't want to treat me. save for those couple of people, the rest of the nurses here are incredible. they have befriended me, ask about my son daily and encourage me to make it through each day. i think being a nurse is really an underappreciated job - just stay in a hospital for more than a few days and i think you will agree.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
i'm here, so now what
it took me up until this point to realize, this very notion - ok, i am here, so now what. and even so, i am not sure i have totally accepted it. everything for me has changed. i can't tuck my 3 year old in at night, and sneak in after he is asleep to watch his peaceful little face. i can't climb into bed next to my husband and cuddle up. heck, i can't even go to the bathroom without being questioned about the results therein. mostly though i can't stop thinking about the future of these two boys in my belly.
the changes are not just about me though. everyone around me is touched by them. my son is the one i worry about the most. he went from having me there always, to having to get in a car to see me for a few minutes each day. i wonder, can a 3 year old really understand what is going on? now his daddy is his caregiver - a job he splits with my own mother. my mom went from living her own life to dropping everything to help us out. dropping everything included cancelling a 2 week cruise that had been planned for over a year. (the definition of guilt in and of itself) she is an amazing granny and we couldn't be luckier to have her in our life. my son introduces her as his friend, and this is a true testament to the effort she makes to be a part of his life. an effort that is borne simply out of love.
my husband's world has totally changed too. even though he still plays the role of dad, husband, etc. the duties have multiplied ten fold. on top of all this he has to find time to visit me and try to keep me somewhat sane (a big job these days). he is doing a great job - and learning things that he probably never thought he needed to know. he is under an incredible amount of stress, and dealing with it wonderfully. his (paid) job sucks right now which is stressful enough, but now he is also taking on the stress of learning about what is expected from pre-mature babies. thats the hard part about just being in bed all day- there is soo much i wish i could be doing to help.
my first night here a nurse from the NICU came to talk to us about what to expect from babies born at 26 weeks of pregnancy. when someone is sitting in your hospital room telling all the things that can go wrong with your boys a defensive wall goes up. hearing things like your babies have a 60% chance of survival will stop you in your tracks. i wanted to cry, to scream, to run away and hide from it all. but the reality is, all i could do was lay in bed and hope and pray for another day. some days were much harder than others. the reality is that all the days are hard. there isn't an easy day on bedrest. it is hard to remind yourself that you are doing the best thing for your children. but that is the "now what?" part - i am doing the best thing that i can for my children right now.
the changes are not just about me though. everyone around me is touched by them. my son is the one i worry about the most. he went from having me there always, to having to get in a car to see me for a few minutes each day. i wonder, can a 3 year old really understand what is going on? now his daddy is his caregiver - a job he splits with my own mother. my mom went from living her own life to dropping everything to help us out. dropping everything included cancelling a 2 week cruise that had been planned for over a year. (the definition of guilt in and of itself) she is an amazing granny and we couldn't be luckier to have her in our life. my son introduces her as his friend, and this is a true testament to the effort she makes to be a part of his life. an effort that is borne simply out of love.
my husband's world has totally changed too. even though he still plays the role of dad, husband, etc. the duties have multiplied ten fold. on top of all this he has to find time to visit me and try to keep me somewhat sane (a big job these days). he is doing a great job - and learning things that he probably never thought he needed to know. he is under an incredible amount of stress, and dealing with it wonderfully. his (paid) job sucks right now which is stressful enough, but now he is also taking on the stress of learning about what is expected from pre-mature babies. thats the hard part about just being in bed all day- there is soo much i wish i could be doing to help.
my first night here a nurse from the NICU came to talk to us about what to expect from babies born at 26 weeks of pregnancy. when someone is sitting in your hospital room telling all the things that can go wrong with your boys a defensive wall goes up. hearing things like your babies have a 60% chance of survival will stop you in your tracks. i wanted to cry, to scream, to run away and hide from it all. but the reality is, all i could do was lay in bed and hope and pray for another day. some days were much harder than others. the reality is that all the days are hard. there isn't an easy day on bedrest. it is hard to remind yourself that you are doing the best thing for your children. but that is the "now what?" part - i am doing the best thing that i can for my children right now.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
the very beginning
we all have moments in our life that happen unexpectedly. one minute you are living your life, its just another day, and the next everything is turned upside down. its amazing how your world can change in an instant.
there are a couple of instants that brought me to this place. the first one was seeing two amazing heartbeats on the sonogram machine at 6.5 weeks of pregnancy. i knew i was pregnant (after a long struggle) but we didn't know that our family of three would grow to a family of 5 in just an instant. it was a feeling of total elation when i saw those heartbeats. followed later by the panic of how will i be a mother of twins.
given the amount of effort and medicine involved to bring these tiny lives into the world, i was having a relatively uncomplicated pregnancy. that is just when those instances occur - right when you are cruising along. i was at a routine dr. visit on nov. 2nd (26 weeks into my pregnancy) when all of the sudden the sonogram room got very quiet. i knew in my heart that something was wrong. dr. l. said, "ok, you go ahead and get dressed, i will be back in a minute to talk to you". this was not part of the routine. as it turns out, my cervix had shortened to about 1cm (a normal one is 4cm or <). i was shuffled off to dr. l.'s office while he called my OB and shared the news. when they began to converse about what kind of help i had at home, i knew that bedrest was going to be discussed. little did i know that bedrest for me would occur in the hospital. i walked across the street to the hospital and have been here ever since.
there are a couple of instants that brought me to this place. the first one was seeing two amazing heartbeats on the sonogram machine at 6.5 weeks of pregnancy. i knew i was pregnant (after a long struggle) but we didn't know that our family of three would grow to a family of 5 in just an instant. it was a feeling of total elation when i saw those heartbeats. followed later by the panic of how will i be a mother of twins.
given the amount of effort and medicine involved to bring these tiny lives into the world, i was having a relatively uncomplicated pregnancy. that is just when those instances occur - right when you are cruising along. i was at a routine dr. visit on nov. 2nd (26 weeks into my pregnancy) when all of the sudden the sonogram room got very quiet. i knew in my heart that something was wrong. dr. l. said, "ok, you go ahead and get dressed, i will be back in a minute to talk to you". this was not part of the routine. as it turns out, my cervix had shortened to about 1cm (a normal one is 4cm or <). i was shuffled off to dr. l.'s office while he called my OB and shared the news. when they began to converse about what kind of help i had at home, i knew that bedrest was going to be discussed. little did i know that bedrest for me would occur in the hospital. i walked across the street to the hospital and have been here ever since.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)