locks

locks of love, that is...
i have been growing my hair since before max and keegan were even in my belly, not really for any reason other than my hairdresser moved away. recently a friends daughter, who is 4, cut off her hair and donated it to locks of love. it inspired me to do the same. its lovely being inspired by a 4 year old. i hope that a child will feel better about themselves once my 10 inches is turned into a wig for them (i sure do!).

some lunch...

i guess max really enjoyed lunch today! (it didn't hurt that he had PT this morning and refused his morning nap because it is much more fun to stand in your crib for 45 minutes)

latest antics

fin flying the kite, which took a header on pretty much its maiden voyage and broke in half (because after all we are the griswalds!!)















keegan - peek a boo






















max - all i can say is oh sh!t

"how you know?"

about 12,356 times a day i am assulted with this question "how you know?". people - i am running out of answers!

the griswalds part 2

i wish i were kidding! we were on our way to the aquarium in an effort to have a normal vacation day - you know act like tourists and actually enjoy a day. so there we are headed up highway 12 and suddenly we hear a huge smashing sound. the car carrier on top of the car ripped off and smashed through the back windshield. at least no one was hurt. one day i will laugh about all of this - not yet though. see my car, admire the lovely plastic rear window...

the griswalds

ok, so far vacation has been feeling a bit too much like we should legally change our last name to griswald! remember the antics of the national lampoon's "vacation"? so far, we have survived both a tropical storm and being held captive by the elevator in our house! chevy chase has nothing on us. the winds were so high that the last two nights we have been lulled to sleep by a rocking house. jon and i actually chose a new bedroom last night because the rocking was making for a difficult sleep. and then this afternoon we returned from the seafood market and decided to take the elevator up to the 4th floor of the house we rented. jon, fin, max and keegan and i all pile on the elevator. my mom had the good sense to take the stairs. we close the door, press the button and nothing - we dont move an inch. so after trying several desperate combinations of pushing buttons and pulling on the doors to free ourselves we decide to yell for my mom. ok, so i decided to yell. i didnt want to scare the boys, but i was freaked out, starting to feel claustrophobic and hot all at once. so my mom tries to open the door from the outside, nothing. so she tries to call the emergency number of the rental agency and gets the answering machine - ACK! finally, jon decided to break the door down. see...




















despite all of this, we are actually having a great time! it is so nice to finally be taking a vacation.

happy 9 month birthday

max and keegan - happy 9 months!

keegan - you just want to be standing while i hold you or hugging me *all the time*. you are eating fun things like sweet potato puffs and starting to learn to use a sippy cup. you continue to squeal in delight like a teradactyl. your legs are so chubby, that most pants are not comfortable for you. you are even wearing shorts that fin wore last summer (and possibly even this spring)!! you still love the jumperoo and sleep like a champ at night. your laugh is contagious and your smile melts my heart.

max - you are days away from crawling. even the physical therapist says it wont be long now. you are all over the place. up on all fours rocking away and launching yourself forward. on the occasions that doesnt work for you, rolling gets you to your destination. you are not a big eater. you raspberry most vegetables all over yourself and mommy. anything not pureed makes you gag. you try to avoid naps at all cost, but a car ride will put you out in 2.2 seconds. you are very serious most times, just taking everything in. but you can giggle with the best of them too.

these past 9 months have been hard and wonderful all at once. i love you both!

come on saturday

summer is coming to an end and we are really feeling the stress of the last several months. jon has been crazy stressed out at work; the worst agency in the federal govt (no joke!). i am beginning to feel the effects of everything i lived through with the pregnancy and the nicu. it is crazy how things hit you. dizzying really. i have been reading this blog of another mom who lived through the nicu experience. she is an amazing writer, and although she has been through much more of an ordeal than us, i still feel her pain - and by the way my own. beyond the scar on max's feet from the IVs i can feel my own scars beginning to become one with me. they are not visible to anyone but me, yet they are there - emotional scars.

if i allow myself to slow down enough to process everything we have been through i fear i will fall apart at the seams. i spent so much time focused on fin while i was on bedrest and i am realizing now that is was because i was afraid to attach myself to those sweet little boys growing in my belly. that first night in the hospital a nicu nurse relayed these horrible, wretched statistics to us. chance of survival of a 26 weeker so low i was afraid to fall in love. self defense. and now i am starting to feel angry, robbed really, of everything that was supposed to happen. pregnancy is supposed to make you glow, not cower from your own natural instincts to love. but how could i fall so hard for these little guys who just might not make it? and how do those mom's manage who do lose their own flesh and blood? i can't even begin to fathom it. but anger is still rearing its ugly head. i am saddened that those little boys missed out on any part of me.

motherhood is hard work. the hardest job i have ever had. the constant second guessing, always wondering am i enough for 3? could i have done better? will they grow up to be better than i am? yet i wouldnt trade it for anything. i do love those little boys that swam in my belly for 5 more weeks until they could hold their collective breaths no longer. deep down i hope they will always know i loved them then too, i was just afraid to say it out loud.

saturday we leave for a long overdue vacation. rejuvenation i am hoping, remediation too!