come on saturday

summer is coming to an end and we are really feeling the stress of the last several months. jon has been crazy stressed out at work; the worst agency in the federal govt (no joke!). i am beginning to feel the effects of everything i lived through with the pregnancy and the nicu. it is crazy how things hit you. dizzying really. i have been reading this blog of another mom who lived through the nicu experience. she is an amazing writer, and although she has been through much more of an ordeal than us, i still feel her pain - and by the way my own. beyond the scar on max's feet from the IVs i can feel my own scars beginning to become one with me. they are not visible to anyone but me, yet they are there - emotional scars.

if i allow myself to slow down enough to process everything we have been through i fear i will fall apart at the seams. i spent so much time focused on fin while i was on bedrest and i am realizing now that is was because i was afraid to attach myself to those sweet little boys growing in my belly. that first night in the hospital a nicu nurse relayed these horrible, wretched statistics to us. chance of survival of a 26 weeker so low i was afraid to fall in love. self defense. and now i am starting to feel angry, robbed really, of everything that was supposed to happen. pregnancy is supposed to make you glow, not cower from your own natural instincts to love. but how could i fall so hard for these little guys who just might not make it? and how do those mom's manage who do lose their own flesh and blood? i can't even begin to fathom it. but anger is still rearing its ugly head. i am saddened that those little boys missed out on any part of me.

motherhood is hard work. the hardest job i have ever had. the constant second guessing, always wondering am i enough for 3? could i have done better? will they grow up to be better than i am? yet i wouldnt trade it for anything. i do love those little boys that swam in my belly for 5 more weeks until they could hold their collective breaths no longer. deep down i hope they will always know i loved them then too, i was just afraid to say it out loud.

saturday we leave for a long overdue vacation. rejuvenation i am hoping, remediation too!