last night i fell in love

i remember the summer between senior year of high school and starting college fondly. looking back, one of the best parts of that summer is that i met one of my best friends. somehow the UofD just knew to put us together as freshman roommates, and we have been fast friends ever since. we laugh together, cry together and sometimes laugh so hard we start to cry. all good qualities in a best friend if you ask me. she later became my maid of honor and then she and her husband became the godparents of my first born. she is a great mom and wonderful friend and happens to have fantastic taste in music. throughout our friendship she has happily influenced my musical taste and that is one of the things i miss most about no longer sharing a house with her. about a year ago she introduced me to the old 97s and rhett miller. it was easily a crush at first listen.

a couple of months ago i got an email from my bestie saying that rhett miller was coming to play at a nearby club. i was instructed to attend the show in the email, immediately i replied and said that they needed to come down from ithaca and join us. moments later phone calls were made, tickets were purchased, babysitters were secured and an adult evening was planned. i was overjoyed as i waited for last night to arrive.

the venue is a small and intimate setting. we had pretty decent seats for what ended up being a sold out show. although the opening band was lackluster and very repetative, there was still a buzz in the air. the opening band announced they would play just two more songs before rhett came out and the audience began to sit a little taller in anticipation. when rhett came out on stage it wasnt long before i leaned over and whispered in the ear of my bestie that i had falled in love. the whole show was awesome - he is an amazing guitarist, wonderful songwriter, very funny and good looking to boot. i just about died and went to heaven when i got to meet him after the show and have him sign my newly purchased firefly shirt. when i recovered from getting my picture taking with a rock star and collected myself i realized he signed my shirt with a heart and i fell even harder. see for yourself...

4 months later

herein lies the post where i confess that i suck as a mom. nearly 4 months ago my baby boys turned 3. we did celebrate, fun was had, pictures were taken. HOWEVER, since then, the birthday candle has sat unlit in my dining room. at first i was waiting for m.'s black eye to go away. then i was waiting for the giant goose egg on m.'s head to go away. then i was waiting for m.'s new black eye to go away. then the snow came and we did nothing for weeks while we were trapped inside. then i was waiting for k. to grow out of wearing his wearing his baseball cap all hours of the day and night phase to end. eventually i realized that it was probably best to go ahead and capture the black eye phase and the hat wearing phase. and wouldnt you know it, my children are nearly 3 and a half! but nonetheless, sucky mom or not, here are a few of the birthday candle pics...

still here

i am still here. i just have not had much to say lately, or have been too busy, or insert your own random excuse here. we have been busy, enough said. soo much has happened since i last wrote.

j's mom passed away, we attended the funeral and still have the ashes to spread-which happens in early may. j and his dad seem to be getting much closer. i am happy for him that this is the silver lining of the situation.

the boys have been doing well. a little ear infection and strep throat here and there, but for the most part smooth sailing. f. has been doing great in school. he complains of being bored there, so we are working on that. he continues to add amusement to our days. m. is still as impulsive as ever. we find him to be such a challenge some days, but almost always cute as a button. during a moment of silence during the funeral he looked up at j. and said at top volume "i love you daddy!" not only was it what j needed to hear right then, but i think it was enjoyed by the entire congregation. k. continues to make slow and steady progress with speech. his vocabulary is finally expanding, though we still struggle to understand much of what he says. we actually met with the little boys teacher on friday and it looks like they will both be in ECI again next year. i really feel they both still need it, so its reassuring to know we are all on the same page.

i have been happily plugging along as well. i started weight watchers in january and have lost 17 lbs so far. i have a long way to go, but i am actually pretty proud of my efforts to date. thats it for now, i will try to post more often.

catharsis

i have been spending a lot of time this week wondering why some people know how to love and some dont have a clue. is it because i was raised with two loving parents who were often telling me they loved me and not afraid of showing physical affection for me? is it because we are all born already knowing how to love and for some people that knowledge gets lost somewhere along the way? i dont know the answer, but i do know this i am eternally grateful that i fall into the category of those who do know how to love.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

j.'s mother is dying of cancer. its a cruel disease. i spent the better part of my week, helping her to the commode,, giving her medication, lifting her up and helping her get comfortable, cleaning her diapers, catching her bile in a basin as it flowed uncontrollably from her mouth, trying to soothe her spirit and soul all while trying to comfort her children who have spent a lifetime wondering why they often question the love their mother has for them. it was probably one of the most painful weeks of my life. i found myself encouraging her to apologize to her children for her choices that left them feeling unloved. i found myself teaching her how to apologize, telling her how a mother just plain makes sacrifices for their children, begging her not to love her children with condition, and finally telling her just to let go. later, alone with my thoughts i found myself overcome with emotion and i cried until i couldnt catch my breath. once i calmed down i realized that in being there for j. and l., i had said everything that i needed j's mom to know. it no longer mattered if she was a mother that didnt know how to love. it no longer mattered that she admittedly loved her children with condition. for her the end is very near, the damage has been done. but in standing up for her children, and in turn myself, everything that had been plaguing all of us was out in the open. i now truly know what a catharsis is. i said everything i needed to say, i cried all the tears i need to cry, and i am at peace.

adrift

in case you have been living under a rock and may not have heard, maryland has been getting hammered with snow this winter. i have wonderful friends who live in ithaca, new york; you know where it is supposed to snow from oh say halloween right up until easter, who have been laughing maniacally at me recently. they can do that because they only have 4 inches of snow on the ground right now, where as i lost count somewhere around 40 inches.

when the snow drifts got to a point where i couldnt see over them, i started to go a little crazy. last night when the snow was coming down solid as it had been for the last 24 hours with no end in sight, i started to go a lot crazy. i have been alternating between cussing out mother nature, attempting to avoid the refrigerator and desparately trying to find something to watch on tv other than weather coverage. yes, we know its a sh!tload of snow, we are all trapped in our homes with nothing to do but watch tv - for the love of all things good, please put something on besides perky little weather reporters talking about how we are expecting yet another storm next week. you know people are going crazy when your own sweet mother sends you images of snowmen hanging themselves. yet somehow its not exactly comforting to know that we are all going crazy together.

did i mention that on tuesday, i was rudely awaken by the automated phone call from the county calling off school for the next day. AND FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK!! the automated message also included a sweet little reminder that monday is a holiday, and as planned, school will be closed then as well. fantastic! so much for all the stars aligning to attend the valentine's parties at school.

our street has been plowed, thank you home owners association. the driveway is cleaned out, thank you lovely neighbor with giant snowblower. the cars are cleaned off, thank you j. after my kids take a nap today we will leave this house. i dont care if we go to the dentist and have teeth extracted without the aid of anethesia, we will leave this house today. i am adrift in over 40 inches of snow and if i dont get out soon i fear for the sweet people who live with me.

grammy performance?

with apologies to the black eyed peas

valentines day already?

it seems the schools are already gearing up for valentine's festivities. this year the stars have aligned, and jon is off that day, so we will both be able to attend all the kids parties. clearly i am looking forward to it more than f. because when i told him i bought some cards for him to give to his friends he said he didnt want to give out cards this year. i thought i would employ some mommy psychology and shared with him that his brothers were sending valentines to all of their friends at school, hoping that would encourage him to do the same. sometimes mommy psychology is not all that successful, because f. replied: "mom, what do you think i was born yesterday? the boys dont know how to write!" oh well, i can still look forward to the celebrations, right?