f.

i have been reflecting a lot this week about how life has changed for f. since his brothers have come along . thinking about how well he has adapted in some areas and how much he struggles in other areas. when he first started walking, about 4 years ago, he was fearless. he would have happily walked into traffic and not thought twice about it. months later, he would have jumped from the highest ledge and probably not even have considered his landing on the way down. he had two parents who doted over him and had little else to focus on. the summer i was pregnant with the boys, he would put his "swim muscles" on without complaint and dive into the pool with absolutely no fear.

then suddenly that fall, his world changed too. i found myself permanently stationed in a hospital bed, with the future uncertain for my unborn children (his brothers) who were swirling around in my belly at a mere 26 weeks gestation. but f. suddenly found himself without all the comforts of home too. his main source of comfort was lying flat on her back, five miles from home, hooked up to terb. pumps and hidden behind hospital bed rails. i can't imagine what this must have been like for him. when i stop to think about it for too long, my body crumbles into a heap of streaming tears - even now. i cant help but feel selfish for wanting more children when i think about how it changed his world. our intent was to provide him with a playmate, to grow our family by one, to have two children (total) to read to at night and to snuggle with in the morning. while i wouldn't trade how things ended up for anything - i still wonder how much it has shaped f.

when m. and k. made their sudden appearance on the early afternoon of dec. 6th, 2006 my thoughts were far away from my firstborn. i had a fleeting thought when i wondered how i was going to explain to f. why these babies arrived before santa, even though we had spent months telling him that after santa arrived, so would his brothers. but then my mind was wrought with thoughts about those two boys - wondering would they be able to breathe on their own, would they have brain bleeds, would they even survive. luckily it wasnt long before all those fears were put to rest. but in the meantime, f.'s world was changing by the second. he was no longer the center of attention. his mother and father were suddenly on a schedule that involved multiple daily trips to see his brothers. brothers who he had only gotten two small glimpses of, because the NICU terrified him. its funny how intuitive their little brains can be - NICU is a terrifying place. even when his brothers graduated the NICU, the attention was mostly focused on them - not him. one baby is demanding, two babies are more than twice as demanding. the fun that f. had with his parents was limited by the mere fact that there are only 24 hours in a day.

then i started to notice the changes in f. as well. he was intensely proud to be "the big brother" of not one, but two babies. but then all the attention that was lavished upon them began to wear on his very being. total strangers would approach us; while oohing and aahing over his brothers, they would completely ignore him. i always tried to introduce the proud big brother, but he was no comparison for two tiny babies. he started to do things like pulling the sun shades of their carseats over his brothers, so the gawkers had no choice but to recognize him. sometimes the recognition came in the form of noticing that he was not acting like they thought he should. any mom knows that sometimes a child will take attention, positive or negative. i noticed that need for attention at home too, and sometimes fell into the trap of laying it on more in a negative light than positive. we were barely surviving most days, that is simply what our life had become. exhaustion does not begin to do justice to what i was feeling. if given the chance, i could fall asleep in less than a heartbeat.

all the while, f. was going through some big things too. the first time he would ride on a school bus. making new friends that his parents couldn't pick out of a line-up, just by virtue of him riding the bus to and from school. playing on team sports. learning how to write. some of these things he did with ease. others, not so much. one day i got a call from school and was informed that f. had a panic or anxiety "episode" over writing in his journal. they were so worried about him, that he was carted off to the nurses office, where he later calmed down enough to return to class. however, his teacher learned to tread lightly when it came to getting him to write in his journal. ironically, when he got off the bus that day, before i had even gotten the call from his teacher, i asked him how his day was and he reported "great!!" umm, ok?! his teacher was of the impression that f. puts too much pressure on himself to do things perfectly the first time. i could certainly see that as being part of his personality. however, i wasnt sure where that pressure had come from. did f. feel like i expected him to be perfect? i hoped that was not the case. but i couldnt help but think that it stemmed from the fact that he was getting increasingly less attention at home. try as we might to be everything to everyone, some needs were just being met before others. concerned about the anxiety/panic issue i met with the pediatrician and discussed things. armed with a plan of action, we went about life again.

occasionally things would crop up, and i would wonder why f. reacted as he had to one thing or another. then we started swim lessons this summer. the first day went fine - f. was nervous, but so were the other 6 kids. the week progressed and even after he had made some great progress things spiraled downward on thursday. i witnessed first hand, what could only be described as a panic attack. my heart broke into a million pieces for f. i swept him into my arms and held him tight. then i encouraged him to go back to the lesson and at least sit on the side of the pool and watch. at the time, i felt like that was the best way to proceed. i dont want f. to think that he can just quit when his nerves get the best of him. when we got home i made some phone calls and got him signed up for a few private swim lessons to get him over the hump. they start the middle of next week.

in the meantime, tomorrow we will return to the group swim lessons. and i hope that my first born, who will always be a baby to me in some ways, will succeed. after swim lessons, we are taking off for the beach - just the three of us - for a special mommy/daddy/f. day. i cant wait!! i am anxious to lavish him with attention. even if its just for the day - i hope he can relish in the fact that even though he has brothers, he is still the light of my life. i hope that the pressure he feels will sink down to the bottom of that ocean and stay there forever. i hope that he can always be everything that he wants to be in life. i am so lucky to have him in my life and i love him so much!

f. is five!

i don't really know how i got to be the mother of a five year old - but it has happened.

f-
this has been an insanely crazy year for you. you are such a great big brother *most of the time*. i know at times its a huge responsibility for you and i am so grateful that you mostly take it in stride. there are many days when i feel like i am barely treading water and could pull all my hair out in one fell swoop. but somehow you manage to say or do something that immediately brings a smile to my face and reminds me of why i wanted to be a mother in the first place. i am so lucky to have you in my life.





















recently, it occurred to me that not only does m. look just like you, and idolize you, but he is behaves just like you did at this age. today you were both running full force across the room screaming in glee; and as a bystander it is like watching you now, and you from almost 4 years ago, at the same time. it was totally unclear who was chasing who or where you were headed, but you were both having a great time. your zest for life is bottomless and contagious.

















you reached some pretty big milestones this year. you rode a school bus for the first time all by yourself, you have even started some basic reading and writing - which for me is such a rewarding thing to experience. you also love math - which makes me wonder if you are in fact my child! you still hesitate to try new things in a group setting - but almost always love whatever it is if you can get over that initial hump. today you started swim lessons and were so excited that they started on your actual birthday. you love to "play" karate (thanks kung fu panda!), soccer, golf and are getting pretty good at some board and card games that actually involve strategy. you have been known to beat pop at mastermind a time or two.





you have also mastered the ultimate skill of pushing mommies buttons this year. many a time i have considered going back to work only if i could take a job that involved travel - seven days a week!! its a good thing that you are so cute and that i have granny and pop close by to take you off my hands spend some time with you. even on those difficult days where i wonder why i ever wanted to be a mother and find myself curled in the fetal position on the couch bawling my eyes out because i cant take it anymore - i still find myself sneaking into your room before going to bed and tucking you in and giving you a big ole kiss.





















i hope that 5 is even better than 4!

love,
mom

***edited to say that today when you were asked what you got for your birthday you responded, "well, i got this penguin thing that gives everyone a headache!" its the joy with which you proclaimed this that is worrisome.

look aunt noelle

look aunt noelle - we got to feed the giraffes!































i gotta hand it to the maryland zoo. they have been suffering financially for quite some time. someone on staff has had some pretty creative ideas and now you hand feed giraffes and ride on camels. i hope these things are helping with their financial woes because we had a great day at the maryland zoo.

















this is the new baby elephant, who was a crowd pleaser in our family!

















max and keegan had a great time too! the penguins were their absolute favorite - they could have watched them for a solid hour.
















we are switching to one nap in our household and today it occurred on the car ride home. you can see my futile attempt to ply them with goldfish in efforts to keep them awake until they could take a long nap in their crib. max actually fell asleep mid-snack!

overheard in my house recently

sitting around the table with my mom and j. having steamed crabs (which by the way were yummy!!)

my mom: in august we are going on a cruise to canada.
j.: why would anyone want to cruise canada?
my mom: we have really enjoyed canada every time we have been there.
me (to j.): could you please get me another beer?
j: am i going to get lucky tonight?
me: death stare
my mom: so, like i said, we really enjoy canada.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

while cleaning up some toys to make things a little safer for m&k to play, i dropped a rocket ship that f. had built that was made of approximately 850, 000 tiny choking hazzards.

toy rocket: hitting the ground and breaking into pieces and scattering in the direction of two small children who still put everything in their mouth
me: SHIT!!!
f (handing me a piece i missed): here mommy - its some more of the shit!
me: trying desperately not to laugh, but failing

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

me: f. you need to clean up all the soft toys* NOW
f.: mommy, you need to help me NOW
me: you got them all out by yourself, you can put them all back by yourself
f.: i only have two arms, not four
me: you got them all out with two arms, you can put them all back with two arms
f: breaks out into a fit of giggles
f: that is very funny mommy, very funny!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

eating breakfast

f.: mommy, where did you get these delicious blueberries?
me: do you remember ms. d, who lives near the pick your own strawberry farm?
f.: yes
me: last night i saw her and she brought me some blueberries, asparagus and corn
f.: well, these are delicious, i think you need to send her a thank you

ms. d - here is your internet shout-out thank you! we love the blueberries! thanks so much!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


*we separate soft stuffed toys from hard toys when we put them away - dont judge me!

motherhoodisms

how is it that two of my three children were actually bathed twice today, yet somehow i didnt find time to even shower myself once?

overheard in my house today

f: mommy, how many more days til my birthday?
me: 11
f: i cant wait for my birthday, i get to be really bossy that day!
me:well, thats not nice - who told you that?
f: well, as a matter of fact, you were really bossy on your birthday!
me: ouch

18 months (give or take a few days)

boysers - i can hardly believe that 18 months has passed me by - in a whirlwind really.




















m- you run everywhere - you really only have two speeds: asleep and running full force. you are starting to talk up a storm. you have a few essential words down pat: mama, juice, up, ball and car. oddly enough, now that the words have come for you, you are regularly signing "milk" and "more". you love to snuggle and climb. i predict that we may be looking into toddler beds soon! you idolize your big brother and try every trick that he shows you almost before he is even finished demonstrating. you have started eating pretty much anything we put in front of you. we seriously do not know where you put it all! you are a pretty good listener, and generally stop misbehaving with just one warning. thats not to say that you wont try it again 3 minutes later, just to see if it is still off limits. you love playing outside, but absolutely refuse to wear a hat. maybe next month you can work on growing some more hair so we can stop smearing sunscreen all over your head! i love you so much!





















k- you are really finally walking and are so proud of yourself. you look like a little old man when you shuffle along. mostly you are existing on goldfish crackers, pancakes and milk. occasionally you will humor me and eat some mandarin oranges for good measure. it would be great if we could expand your repertoire just a bit next month! just today you tackled m. full force and wouldnt let him up until he said uncle - aye, i fear what is in store. you love getting into drawers, countertops, and anything else that you have no business getting into. you flat out ignore me unless you are physically removed from misbehaving. then you wait 1.4 seconds to go right back to whatever you were doing. i took you for a hearing test last week - and the gig is up, because you hear just fine! you love building towers with blocks and stacking cups. you also love to look at books, sometimes they are even right side up! your hair grows like a weed and is really overdue for another trim. i love you so much k!