its back, with mixed reviews

still in the same calendar month and for that matter the same calendar year, i managed to get m&k by the birthday candle. k. is really not a fan, clearly.

f.isms

f: daddy, do you see that wii girl tennis player right there?
j: yes
f: she is beautiful!

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f: mommy, do you want to help me with my budget?
me: sure, bud.
f: ok, great.
me: what do you have on your budget so far?
f: well, there are bills, bakugan, money and games. what else do you think i need?

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while shopping with granny for christmas presents

granny: ok, now what do you want to buy your mom?
f: i think my my would really like the wave.
granny: what is the wave?
f: ugh, granny, you know THE wave.
granny: sweetie, i am sorry, i dont know what THE wave is. what does it look like? what does it do?
f: granny, its THE WAVE!
granny: how about this spatula?
f: ok!

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twelve things

i hate that...

...when f. invited you to watch him conduct the school band for one song in the winter concert, you claimed that you live too far away.

...when f. returned moments later with the great idea to have me video tape him conducting the band for you to see, that your response was to tell him that "sometimes those video things just don't turn out."

...you shamelessly cant be bothered to remember where your own son works or what it is that he does.

...you found something to complain about in our new house.

...for the last 8 years you felt the need to mention just how tiny our house was in each and every christmas letter you wrote.

...instead of actually interacting with them, you choose to take pictures of your grandchildren from the other side of the child safety gate.

...you spend nearly your entire visit with your head immersed in either a newspaper article or a cheap romance novel.

...when f. asks you to play a game with him you say no.

...you only bought one gift for m&k to share just because they are twins.

...you still cant tell m & k apart.

...you talk over f. when he is trying to tell you something important.

...my husband's heart cant help but be hardened a little bit after each one of your visits.

too good to be true

the in-laws have descended. currently i am seething. i am just going to leave it at, i knew it was too good to be true. i knew the last visit was an anomaly. now i have to go revive the seat cushions on the couch were their arses were planted for the last 6 or so hours - in the room where the children are not allowed. after all, christmas is all about the children, right?! seething...

merry christmas

ahh, the chaos of it all. christmas eve f. and i spent at the hospital, visiting with current NICU families and bedrested moms. the parents support group that i am a part of provided brunch for the NICU and bedrest families. once again i was reminded of just how fortunate we are to have three healthy children. i visited with a mom who was just wrapping up her 11th - yes 11th week on hospital bedrest. she had a smile on her face and was taking pleasure in the simple things like a the prospect of a wheel chair ride and a seated shower. only a former bedrester could understand that. l. - you are doing such a fantastic job - i am so proud of you. i hope and pray that you get your wish of ZERO days in the NICU. keep up the good work!

i was so pleased that f. wanted to go with me to the hospital and "pay it forward" as we say in our house. even now, two years later, f. can tell you when we are nearing the hospital - he knows that place like the back of his hand. imagine having that knowledge as a 5 year old. i was more than thrilled that we wanted to go help me make the day a little easier for the families that have no choice but to spend it there. as we pulled out of the parking garage he said to me, "mommy, that was fun!" my heart was warm to know that he now has a fond memory of the hospital. mission accomplished.

granny and pop brought dinner and presents galore for christmas eve and packed enough for a sleepover. we all woke up early this morning and enjoyed christmas through the eyes of children. there is nothing like waking up and seeing presents piled high around the chrismas tree and finding your stocking brimming with gifts as well. it was a bit of a feeding frenzy under the tree. just adding more proof to my theory that some days my life is like an episode of "when animals attack." it was soo much fun though! k. was really into opening presents - he didnt care whose present or what was inside really. he just truly enjoyed taking the wrapping paper off one scrap at a time. m. was all about what was inside of the presents, but didnt want to be bothered with removing the paper himself. if you gave him a present he would run around with it screaming "open, open, open, open" until someone would catch him and open it up for him. f. took joy in putting together all of his loot once opened. his new lego set with 445 pieces is about 1/4 of the way assembled and he was sad to have to leave to visit family this afternoon.

all in all it was a wonderful day. i am so fortunate to have a wonderful family and tonight i go to bed with a full and warm heart.

merry christmas everyone.

for all the NICU moms and dads out there

even now, two years later, it is still hard some days.

reprinted from Parenting Your Premature Baby and Child: The Emotional Journey by Deborah L. Davis (Author), Mara Tesler Stein (Author)

***** Imagines *****

Imagine... the unimaginable.

Imagine... the countdown to your due date taking on an urgency that could be a matter of life an death.

Imagine...all you have read about pregnancy and infancy becoming useless, and everything you believe about what to expect becoming irrelevant.

Imagine... the uncertainty and confusion, the fear and dread that replace happy anticipation.

Imagine... feeling your unborn baby kick and move -- knowing that each day inside matters and hoping for a week, a day, an hour.

Imagine... enduring a medical crisis during a time that is meant to be challenging but still smooth and natural.

Imagine... bracing yourself for the worst, during a time that is supposed to be filled with the best.

Imagine... the losses. Imagine being robbed of the final months of pregnancy -- that time of preparation, adjustment, and delicious anticipation.

Imagine... missing the birth you had planned, losing forever those precious moments after delivery.

Imagine... your tiny unfinished baby -- perhaps blue and unresponsive -- whisked away by strangers in scrubs.

Imagine... being left with empty arms and an aching heart.

Imagine... facing an overwhelming, unfamiliar, and frightening landscape -- a foreign land -- where humming machines loom over tiny babies.

Imagine... struggling to learn the new language of newborn intensive care, not comprehending what is happening.

Imagine... a flood of questions filling your mind, along with the terror asking them and hearing the answers.

Imagine... wanting to hope, being afraid to hope, longing to know what the future holds.

Imagine... wanting to protect your baby from pain and suffering in the NICU, knowing that your womb or your arms are far gentler than the embrace of warming beds and ventilators.

Imagine... aching to nurse a baby who is far to young or sick to suckle.

Imagine... longing to caress and cuddle, fearing your touch will hurt.

Imagine... holding your baby for the first time and realizing that your voice and touch are comforting.

Imagine... going home without your new baby, to an unfinished nursery and a life turned upside down.

Imagine... an uncertain future stretching before you, perhaps filled with doctors and evaluations and therapists.

Imagine... watching your baby's breathing and not taking it for granted.

Imagine... measuring your baby's feeding in millimeters and weight gain by the ounce.

Imagine... having to work so hard to help your baby grow and develop, and wanting so much to attain a sense of normalcy.

Imagine... feeling all alone, searching for a way to convey this experience to the people who care about you.

Imagine... being faced with an unexpected path, a journey that is very different from the one you had planned.

sadness

i have been struggling to put together this post for the better part of the week. this is supposed to be a time of peace and rejoicing, especially for families. earlier this week i cautiously opened an email titled "sad news" from a really close friend. that title didnt quite cover the magnitude of what happened. k. - i am so sorry for the loss of your nephew, garrett. no parent should ever have to bury their child. as a mother this thought is unimaginable.

tragically, garrett lost his life way too early. he spent his last day with his family decorating their christmas tree on this, only his 2nd christmas. i hope that some day his parents and brothers can find some comfort in enjoying this last tradition with him. we will all miss little garrett and remember his bright smile forever.












Garrett Wall Feldmann
(April 18, 2007 - December 16, 2008)