i have been spending a lot of time this week wondering why some people know how to love and some dont have a clue. is it because i was raised with two loving parents who were often telling me they loved me and not afraid of showing physical affection for me? is it because we are all born already knowing how to love and for some people that knowledge gets lost somewhere along the way? i dont know the answer, but i do know this i am eternally grateful that i fall into the category of those who do know how to love.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
j.'s mother is dying of cancer. its a cruel disease. i spent the better part of my week, helping her to the commode,, giving her medication, lifting her up and helping her get comfortable, cleaning her diapers, catching her bile in a basin as it flowed uncontrollably from her mouth, trying to soothe her spirit and soul all while trying to comfort her children who have spent a lifetime wondering why they often question the love their mother has for them. it was probably one of the most painful weeks of my life. i found myself encouraging her to apologize to her children for her choices that left them feeling unloved. i found myself teaching her how to apologize, telling her how a mother just plain makes sacrifices for their children, begging her not to love her children with condition, and finally telling her just to let go. later, alone with my thoughts i found myself overcome with emotion and i cried until i couldnt catch my breath. once i calmed down i realized that in being there for j. and l., i had said everything that i needed j's mom to know. it no longer mattered if she was a mother that didnt know how to love. it no longer mattered that she admittedly loved her children with condition. for her the end is very near, the damage has been done. but in standing up for her children, and in turn myself, everything that had been plaguing all of us was out in the open. i now truly know what a catharsis is. i said everything i needed to say, i cried all the tears i need to cry, and i am at peace.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
adrift
in case you have been living under a rock and may not have heard, maryland has been getting hammered with snow this winter. i have wonderful friends who live in ithaca, new york; you know where it is supposed to snow from oh say halloween right up until easter, who have been laughing maniacally at me recently. they can do that because they only have 4 inches of snow on the ground right now, where as i lost count somewhere around 40 inches.
when the snow drifts got to a point where i couldnt see over them, i started to go a little crazy. last night when the snow was coming down solid as it had been for the last 24 hours with no end in sight, i started to go a lot crazy. i have been alternating between cussing out mother nature, attempting to avoid the refrigerator and desparately trying to find something to watch on tv other than weather coverage. yes, we know its a sh!tload of snow, we are all trapped in our homes with nothing to do but watch tv - for the love of all things good, please put something on besides perky little weather reporters talking about how we are expecting yet another storm next week. you know people are going crazy when your own sweet mother sends you images of snowmen hanging themselves. yet somehow its not exactly comforting to know that we are all going crazy together.
did i mention that on tuesday, i was rudely awaken by the automated phone call from the county calling off school for the next day. AND FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK!! the automated message also included a sweet little reminder that monday is a holiday, and as planned, school will be closed then as well. fantastic! so much for all the stars aligning to attend the valentine's parties at school.
our street has been plowed, thank you home owners association. the driveway is cleaned out, thank you lovely neighbor with giant snowblower. the cars are cleaned off, thank you j. after my kids take a nap today we will leave this house. i dont care if we go to the dentist and have teeth extracted without the aid of anethesia, we will leave this house today. i am adrift in over 40 inches of snow and if i dont get out soon i fear for the sweet people who live with me.
when the snow drifts got to a point where i couldnt see over them, i started to go a little crazy. last night when the snow was coming down solid as it had been for the last 24 hours with no end in sight, i started to go a lot crazy. i have been alternating between cussing out mother nature, attempting to avoid the refrigerator and desparately trying to find something to watch on tv other than weather coverage. yes, we know its a sh!tload of snow, we are all trapped in our homes with nothing to do but watch tv - for the love of all things good, please put something on besides perky little weather reporters talking about how we are expecting yet another storm next week. you know people are going crazy when your own sweet mother sends you images of snowmen hanging themselves. yet somehow its not exactly comforting to know that we are all going crazy together.
did i mention that on tuesday, i was rudely awaken by the automated phone call from the county calling off school for the next day. AND FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK!! the automated message also included a sweet little reminder that monday is a holiday, and as planned, school will be closed then as well. fantastic! so much for all the stars aligning to attend the valentine's parties at school.
our street has been plowed, thank you home owners association. the driveway is cleaned out, thank you lovely neighbor with giant snowblower. the cars are cleaned off, thank you j. after my kids take a nap today we will leave this house. i dont care if we go to the dentist and have teeth extracted without the aid of anethesia, we will leave this house today. i am adrift in over 40 inches of snow and if i dont get out soon i fear for the sweet people who live with me.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
valentines day already?
it seems the schools are already gearing up for valentine's festivities. this year the stars have aligned, and jon is off that day, so we will both be able to attend all the kids parties. clearly i am looking forward to it more than f. because when i told him i bought some cards for him to give to his friends he said he didnt want to give out cards this year. i thought i would employ some mommy psychology and shared with him that his brothers were sending valentines to all of their friends at school, hoping that would encourage him to do the same. sometimes mommy psychology is not all that successful, because f. replied: "mom, what do you think i was born yesterday? the boys dont know how to write!" oh well, i can still look forward to the celebrations, right?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
funerals and other sucky things
my funeral pants are getting a workout this season, which sucks. there is no other way to put it. in october i put them on to attend a viewing for a new friend who was saying goodbye to her 18 month old baby girl.
then j's aunt died just before the new year and last week we traveled to NYC, funeral pants in tow, to attend her funeral mass and reception. the mass was beautiful and there was barely a dry eye in the place. as i sat in the second row behind j's uncle it seemed that his aunt, the consummate event planner, had thought of every detail. even the beautiful stained glass window was gleaming in the most spectacular and vibrant sapphire blue i had ever seen; the sun was at the perfect height in the sky to illuminate the mass. i know j's family couldnt help but think that they might find themselves seeing each other again soon under similar circumstances as his mother is very ill.
the morning of the funeral, j's mom went back into the hospital for fever, chills and what ended up being pneumonia. to me the saddest part of this is seeing her turn her children away, time and again. j. and his sister, although tenuous to admit it out loud, desperately want to be acknowledged in some way other than her error filled christmas missive sent to family and friends each december or the 2 minute phone conversations that hastily occur with infrequency. the passive aggressive maneuvers and selfish plotting that his mother undertakes with steadfastness astounds me. i had high hopes that terminal cancer would cause some introspection on her part and give her the courage to reach out to her children. i still hold onto this hope, but these days that hope is like tiny grains of sand running through my hands.
as a mother myself, i am hard pressed to think of anything more fulfilling than seeing my child succeed and then acknowledging it. i love to see the grin on f's face when i tell him i am proud of him. it warms my heart to see m or k cheer for themselves when they accomplish something as simple as completing a puzzle because as their biggest cheerleader, i have already started cheering. i am sad for j's mother that she will likely spend her whole life never knowing that fulfillment. i am heartbroken for my husband that he will never hear those words of praise from his own mother.
as a wife, i am angry at j's mom for treating him this way. he deserves better! we make sacrifices for our children and i cant comprehend why this thought never occurs to her. j's mom recently complained to his sister about her "bucket list" of things that will be left unmarked. sadly none of the things she is wanting to accomplish have anything to do with her family. she is angry that she cant attend a poetry reading, or eat a certain meal, or hike a trail with friends. but nowhere on that list is anything that resembles spending time with her children or grandchildren. her children and her grandchildren deserve better.
as we were travelling home from the funeral in NYC, i called a good friend to check in and learned that a member of our mothers of multiples club lost her son while i was away. this little boy spent the majority of his 3.5 years in the hospital fighting for his life. he was born early like my boys, and was afflicted with NEC, just like my m. unfortunately his fight with NEC took a different turn, and he spent months at a time in the hospital undergoing surgery after surgery. he had a multiple organ transplant. his father quit his job to become his full time caregiver and his parents uprooted their lives to move to PA to be by his bedside as he fought for his life day after day. as i unpacked my suitcase and put on those funeral pants for the second time in one week i couldnt help but think about how unfair it was that this family had lost their son. a son that they doted over and loved soo much.
we are taking the kids to see j's mom one last time this weekend. part of me thinks this is a terrible idea. it feels like we are rewarding her selfish ways, but j. is adamant that his children have a chance to say goodbye to their grandmother. i know that they will not remember the goodbye or likely her for that matter. but if it helps my husband to have his family by his side as he says goodbye to his mother, we will be there. i know it will not be long before the funeral pants come out of the closet again, which sucks. there is no other way to put it.
then j's aunt died just before the new year and last week we traveled to NYC, funeral pants in tow, to attend her funeral mass and reception. the mass was beautiful and there was barely a dry eye in the place. as i sat in the second row behind j's uncle it seemed that his aunt, the consummate event planner, had thought of every detail. even the beautiful stained glass window was gleaming in the most spectacular and vibrant sapphire blue i had ever seen; the sun was at the perfect height in the sky to illuminate the mass. i know j's family couldnt help but think that they might find themselves seeing each other again soon under similar circumstances as his mother is very ill.
the morning of the funeral, j's mom went back into the hospital for fever, chills and what ended up being pneumonia. to me the saddest part of this is seeing her turn her children away, time and again. j. and his sister, although tenuous to admit it out loud, desperately want to be acknowledged in some way other than her error filled christmas missive sent to family and friends each december or the 2 minute phone conversations that hastily occur with infrequency. the passive aggressive maneuvers and selfish plotting that his mother undertakes with steadfastness astounds me. i had high hopes that terminal cancer would cause some introspection on her part and give her the courage to reach out to her children. i still hold onto this hope, but these days that hope is like tiny grains of sand running through my hands.
as a mother myself, i am hard pressed to think of anything more fulfilling than seeing my child succeed and then acknowledging it. i love to see the grin on f's face when i tell him i am proud of him. it warms my heart to see m or k cheer for themselves when they accomplish something as simple as completing a puzzle because as their biggest cheerleader, i have already started cheering. i am sad for j's mother that she will likely spend her whole life never knowing that fulfillment. i am heartbroken for my husband that he will never hear those words of praise from his own mother.
as a wife, i am angry at j's mom for treating him this way. he deserves better! we make sacrifices for our children and i cant comprehend why this thought never occurs to her. j's mom recently complained to his sister about her "bucket list" of things that will be left unmarked. sadly none of the things she is wanting to accomplish have anything to do with her family. she is angry that she cant attend a poetry reading, or eat a certain meal, or hike a trail with friends. but nowhere on that list is anything that resembles spending time with her children or grandchildren. her children and her grandchildren deserve better.
as we were travelling home from the funeral in NYC, i called a good friend to check in and learned that a member of our mothers of multiples club lost her son while i was away. this little boy spent the majority of his 3.5 years in the hospital fighting for his life. he was born early like my boys, and was afflicted with NEC, just like my m. unfortunately his fight with NEC took a different turn, and he spent months at a time in the hospital undergoing surgery after surgery. he had a multiple organ transplant. his father quit his job to become his full time caregiver and his parents uprooted their lives to move to PA to be by his bedside as he fought for his life day after day. as i unpacked my suitcase and put on those funeral pants for the second time in one week i couldnt help but think about how unfair it was that this family had lost their son. a son that they doted over and loved soo much.
we are taking the kids to see j's mom one last time this weekend. part of me thinks this is a terrible idea. it feels like we are rewarding her selfish ways, but j. is adamant that his children have a chance to say goodbye to their grandmother. i know that they will not remember the goodbye or likely her for that matter. but if it helps my husband to have his family by his side as he says goodbye to his mother, we will be there. i know it will not be long before the funeral pants come out of the closet again, which sucks. there is no other way to put it.
Friday, January 1, 2010
saying goodbye to '09
i have to say, i am not too sorry to say good bye to 2009. its been a painful crawl to the end of the year. m. has really been impulsive lately. when his therapist first mentioned her concerns about him being impulsive, i think i sort of half listened. mostly what i heard was this is a way to get him into school with k., so i went with it. but last night, when the third catastrophe in one week occured i had second thoughts.
we were at a party with good friends last night and suddenly from the other room i heard that gut wrenching cry that makes all mothers stop dead in their tracks. unfortunately for me, i knew that cry all to well. upon investigating, i discovered that m. had fallen and hit his head pretty hard on something (turns out he made contact with the coffee table after tripping over a fallen friend). soo hard, in fact, that he had an indentation from the impact. my first thought was please do not let us have to go to the ER again this week! honestly, i wasnt sure i would walk out of the ER without having been interviewed by child services. on christmas eve m. managed to set a fire in his bedroom with a trick involving electricity and a common bed pillow that would make even macgyver jealous.
two days after christmas we visited the ER after m. pulled a large bench down on his head. we are still trying to figure out how he managed that. thankfully i have a wonderful neighbor who came and sat with the other boys while j. and i took m. to the hospital. as it turned out it was a clean gash that glued together again nicely. of course he was rewarded for his good behavior by getting a giant popsicle at 10pm from the nurse. every morning since then he wakes up and says "hey mommy, what are we doing today?" i reply' "i dont know m., what do you want to do today?" and he says "lets go to the doctors for popsicles!!" and then at some point later that day it is likely that i will discuss with j. if his latest antic is worthy of that visit to said dr. after all.
which leads us to the indentation in his head last night. you know its a bad goose egg when a mom of triplets says "oh my, i have never seen a bump that bad!"
all this is to say, i am actually really starting to worry about just how impulsive m. is and what lies ahead for him. so as i say goodbye to '09 i am resolving to try to stay one step ahead of all of my kids this year, without being a helicopter mom. and as i ring in twentyten with girlfriends next weekend on an overnight trip to national harbor in DC i can only hope that i wont get a phone call that involves details about any sort of emergency room visit, bloodshed or fire starting.
we were at a party with good friends last night and suddenly from the other room i heard that gut wrenching cry that makes all mothers stop dead in their tracks. unfortunately for me, i knew that cry all to well. upon investigating, i discovered that m. had fallen and hit his head pretty hard on something (turns out he made contact with the coffee table after tripping over a fallen friend). soo hard, in fact, that he had an indentation from the impact. my first thought was please do not let us have to go to the ER again this week! honestly, i wasnt sure i would walk out of the ER without having been interviewed by child services. on christmas eve m. managed to set a fire in his bedroom with a trick involving electricity and a common bed pillow that would make even macgyver jealous.
two days after christmas we visited the ER after m. pulled a large bench down on his head. we are still trying to figure out how he managed that. thankfully i have a wonderful neighbor who came and sat with the other boys while j. and i took m. to the hospital. as it turned out it was a clean gash that glued together again nicely. of course he was rewarded for his good behavior by getting a giant popsicle at 10pm from the nurse. every morning since then he wakes up and says "hey mommy, what are we doing today?" i reply' "i dont know m., what do you want to do today?" and he says "lets go to the doctors for popsicles!!" and then at some point later that day it is likely that i will discuss with j. if his latest antic is worthy of that visit to said dr. after all.
which leads us to the indentation in his head last night. you know its a bad goose egg when a mom of triplets says "oh my, i have never seen a bump that bad!"
all this is to say, i am actually really starting to worry about just how impulsive m. is and what lies ahead for him. so as i say goodbye to '09 i am resolving to try to stay one step ahead of all of my kids this year, without being a helicopter mom. and as i ring in twentyten with girlfriends next weekend on an overnight trip to national harbor in DC i can only hope that i wont get a phone call that involves details about any sort of emergency room visit, bloodshed or fire starting.
Friday, December 25, 2009
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