terms of endearment

m&k are closing in on their 16th month of life and it has me wondering about delays and at what point i will stop hearing terms like "adjusted age". it was a long haul for them, those 5 weeks on bedrest and 33 and 40 days of NICU. the reality is that so many moms leave the hospital empty handed or with some percentage of the equation. i feel so lucky to even have them here with me. i can not even fathom what my life would be like right now, had we not been so lucky. and while i count those blessings daily, i am still seeking distance from those days and the terminology that comes along with it. i know that one day k will walk, i have little doubt. and when i discussed the iota of doubt i am having (mostly raised from the questions i get as a mom) with their pediatrician, he dismissed it. but not before mentioning cerebral palsy and other things that afflict preemies. ugh! i thought we were finally at a point where i was crossing things off the list. apparently i am like an open book because when i stopped dead in my tracks, he said "nicole, i am mentioning this because i want you to know that i dont think this is something we are facing here so you dont have thoughts like that spinning around in your head" to which i responded, "thanks for bringing it up, now it eternally lives spinning around in my head." i know i have said this a gagillion times before, but motherhood is hard damn work! i just want to get to the place where i can stress out about things that dont have terms that i first heard in NICU. i want to get to a place where the only terms used about my children are terms of endearment.

on a similar note...
so i am stepping out on a limb and have signed myself up to be a hospital volunteer in the NICU. i know i keep saying that i want distance from those days and this sounds like a funny way to achieve said goal. but i do think it will bring me some peace. i am hoping i can walk out those NICU doors after helping families that are walking in my old shoes and finally take a deep breath.