when i learned i was pregnant with twins, i had little idea about the impact the pregnancy itself would have on my unborn children. the human body is not meant to grow more than one baby at a time, yet somehow it stretches and make accommodations for all those little arms and legs and fingers and toes, and in the case of my children - big heads. since i was having a relatively easy pregnancy i think i was a bit shocked when i went for my 25 week check up to learn that i was already measuring full term. so to my body, it was like i was already carrying a full term singleton. it should have come as no surprise when less than a week later i landed in the hospital because my body was beginning to prepare for the delivery. the fact that i made it 5 weeks beyond that is an accomplishment that took a lot of hard work and dedication and lots of medicine. unless you have spent 5 weeks on bedrest, you cant really understand just how taxing that can be, physically and emotionally. people who havent been in that position think its like a vacation. i am telling you - its not. it was life altering.
while i knew the pregnancy had already been categorized as "high risk," i dont think i fully realized everything that would come to mean. what exactly would my children face because they were born 9 weeks early? how long would they be faced with those consequences? not being able to breath on their own. blood transfusions. head ultrasounds. infections. repeated hospitalizations. developmental delays. endless doctors appointments. evaluations. weekly therapy. at nearly 31 months out i still can not answer that question. they are still facing those consequences. and that just sucks.
today i visited with the boys speech therapist to go over the results of their most recent evaluation. seeing in writing that your 30 month old child has the expressive language skills of a child 14 months old is difficult. i know we are doing all the right things. i know we are soo lucky to have these resources available to us. i know that he is a happy and well adjusted child. i know all of the things that are supposed to make me feel better. but somehow today i still feel like a bad mom.
4 comments:
You are a great mom and doing all the right things. Sending you hugs.
Big hugs friend, I understand what you mean. But we know you are not a bad mom, and your babies know you are the BEST mom and that's all that matters. These hurdles for them are "hurt-ls" for us preemie moms.
I've been thinking about you since you left our lunch yesterday, knowing that you were feeling so sad. I know there are no words to make you feel better - and as you said, you know that you are doing all of the right things and this is no reflection on you, or your pregnancy.
In fact, after what you have been through over the last 31 months, I actually think you are even more amazing than most!
The bottom line is...It is what it is and IT SUCKS. I get it.
Just know that you are in my thoughts as you struggle through trying to keep your chin up for K's sake. Once you can let this diegest a bit, you will start to see it a bit more clearly and continue on to do what is best for him - and for your family. As a Mom, you can't help but be overridden with that Mommy guilt we all know so well. But you are extra good at looking at things objectively once the emotion simmers down. You're amazing Nic!
being a mom is one tough job! totally overwhelming, both positively and negatively!
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