i have been spending a lot of time this week wondering why some people know how to love and some dont have a clue. is it because i was raised with two loving parents who were often telling me they loved me and not afraid of showing physical affection for me? is it because we are all born already knowing how to love and for some people that knowledge gets lost somewhere along the way? i dont know the answer, but i do know this i am eternally grateful that i fall into the category of those who do know how to love.
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j.'s mother is dying of cancer. its a cruel disease. i spent the better part of my week, helping her to the commode,, giving her medication, lifting her up and helping her get comfortable, cleaning her diapers, catching her bile in a basin as it flowed uncontrollably from her mouth, trying to soothe her spirit and soul all while trying to comfort her children who have spent a lifetime wondering why they often question the love their mother has for them. it was probably one of the most painful weeks of my life. i found myself encouraging her to apologize to her children for her choices that left them feeling unloved. i found myself teaching her how to apologize, telling her how a mother just plain makes sacrifices for their children, begging her not to love her children with condition, and finally telling her just to let go. later, alone with my thoughts i found myself overcome with emotion and i cried until i couldnt catch my breath. once i calmed down i realized that in being there for j. and l., i had said everything that i needed j's mom to know. it no longer mattered if she was a mother that didnt know how to love. it no longer mattered that she admittedly loved her children with condition. for her the end is very near, the damage has been done. but in standing up for her children, and in turn myself, everything that had been plaguing all of us was out in the open. i now truly know what a catharsis is. i said everything i needed to say, i cried all the tears i need to cry, and i am at peace.
4 comments:
just wanted to let you know i am out here, thinking about you, friend.
been thinking of you and Jon during this time. your writing is amazing. may you find peace. Love you tons Nicole.
Strong, strong, strong. I'm amazed and happy for your peace. Love to you and your family. xoxoxo e
Just talking to you on Sunday morning about these things was emotional to hear ~ and now to see it again in writing is just as emotional - even for those of us who don't know her. You are an amazing spirit Nicole - and they all are so lucky to have had you there during this difficult time. Your grace and love have blessed that family beyond words; and the lessons everyone has learned through her time here on earth are very obvious. I hope that the rest of the family has the same peace that you do with her passing. My wish is that everyone got everything resolved enough that they can carry on without personal regrets. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for pouring it all out.
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