adapting to change

i have been thinking alot this week about change and how long it takes for change to settle in. as i have said, change happens in an instant - and often when you least expect it. but that says nothing about how long it takes you to get used to the changes. i couldnt be happier to have these two new people in our lives. but i cant help but wonder, how long is it going to take me to get past the whole experience of getting them here?

i feel like i am over the bedrest now, but even that took awhile. part of the delay was going to the hospital every day. then it was the physical impact - it took many weeks for me to be able to go up stairs without feeling every muscle in my legs strain. now that i take stairs with ease, and i am not at the hospital every day bedrest seems like a distant memory. but the rest of the birth experience and the nicu stay is sticking with me like an uncomfortable pain in the side. i was prepared for the c-section and that part was relatively simple - but having my boys rushed to another room before i even got to see them was tough. at one point after they were both born and i was still on the operating table i heard dr. j. ask someone how they were doing. the response was b is doing ok, and baby a had a really rough start. it is still hard to take that i didnt get to hold max for days.

it does take awhile to settle in to change - i am still working on it. it is odd the things that trigger your memory too. watching grey's anatomy this week was tough because they were treating a baby in the nicu. as a crier, i was crying my eyes out while i was watching it. but i couldnt help but wonder, am i always going to feel this way when i see a sick baby? is it always going to take me back to that raw place of the early days of max and keegans lives? how long will it take be removed from those raw emotions? will i ever be removed from them?

i got film back today online from the throw-away cameras that we used while i was on bedrest and in labor. that was a trigger too - seeing pictures that i didnt even realize had been taken of the first time i held keegan while i was on the operating table and the first time i touched max on his way to the nicu. its funny, many of the pictures didnt turn out (those cameras are fickle) but those "first" moments were captured and i am grateful for that.