all along i have been concentrating on whether the boys are having a good day or not. there simply hasnt been time for me. i am in a routine now. get up, spend some time with fin, go to the hospital, spend time with max and keegan, come home, spend time with fin, have dinner, get fin to bed, go to the hospital and spend time with max and keegan again, come home go to bed. all the while, i am pumping every three hours. it makes for long days (and nights). i am not complaining, but somewhere in the shuffle i get lost it is like i am on autopilot. jon does too (get lost that is)- we rarely have time for each other. and we rarely get to go see max and keegan together - which is hard - really hard! anyway, i think today all of this hit me.
the nicu was a whirlwind of activity today. babies were graduating and going home and 3 new babies were admitted. for some reason watching a particular baby be admitted triggered all sort of emotions for me. mostly i was sad about how the delivery of my boys went. it was not the picture perfect delivery i had imagined - not even close. jon and i remind ourselves daily of just how lucky we are that max and keegan are doing so well. but the fact of the matter is that i am sad that they are not still in my belly. i am sad that i didn't get to see them, but for just an instant their first day of life. i am sad that i didn't get to hold keegan for more than instant while i was on the operating table - and then not again for days. and i am sad that it was even longer before i got to hold max. i am sad that i didn't get to breastfeed them for weeks. and sad that i havent been able to go to bed at night with them in arm's reach. i am sad that fin hasnt been able to bond with his brothers yet. i am sad that i have to leave max and keegan each night in the hospital and say goodnight to them through the porthole in their isolettes. i am sad that all they know of this world is the hospital.
the first two weeks that the boys were in the hospital were really hard on me. if you just asked me how i was doing i burst into tears. then somehow i managed to stuff that all away and move on. but now on the eve of the one month birthday for max and keegan i am back to that place of raw emotions - just under the surface. there was something about the combination of being in the nicu for all those new admits and the thought of the boys being in the hospital for one month that just put me right back in that funk. it is true, mommies have bad days too!
1 comment:
And you have a right to have those bad days my friend! NICU IS HARD! And early Mommyhood is hard! You are doing great though - try to take those bad days as they come and always know that tomorrow will be better. That NICU grind is exhausting physically and emotionally - and as any other Mom knows, Mom's put their needs last; it's the nature of the beast. We don't care what we need, as long as our babies are OK. With that in mind, try to remember that if you don't take care of YOU, you won't be as good as you can be for your boys.
You are NOT alone in your thoughts. NICU parents everywhere would agree. If there is anything I can do to help, please call me. I would love to come sit with you at the hospital sometime - you just say the word and I'm there. Just a friendly face there sometimes helps.
Sending you big hugs - and sunshine for better days ahead!
xo,
K. (fellow NICU Mom)
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