giving thanks

this really has been a test this month - trying to find things for which i am thankful. for example, this week i was thankful that fin made it to the bathroom before puking his guts out. and somehow giving thanks for that feat was not exactly what i had in mind when i was looking to gain some perspective about this time last year.

i have heard it said that the healing thing to do is to face your fears head on, so i guess in a way going to the hospital with max was sort of an exercise in just that. not that i am afraid of the hospital, however all the change it brought about while i was there was scary. or maybe a better way to put it was the lack of control that i felt whilst a resident there and in the nicu days that followed. just walking into the ER a familiar smell washed over me. answering questions about our nicu stay and how early the boys were etc. brought memories rushing back. and so when the ped. said they were going to admit max, i burst into tears. not so much because he was being hospitalized, but because i felt that control slipping away again. as she patted my arm and told me max was going to be fine, i told her i knew that i was just having nicu flashbacks.

the familiarities did not end with the smell, i was bombarded by them everywhere. the little tiny cups of cranberry juice sealed with a foil lid, the endless beep of the central monitor that makes your own heart skip a beat each and every time it goes off, the tv remote that only allows you to scroll through each and every channel rather than choosing a specific channel by punching in a number, and for that matter channel 86 the ambient music channel meant to calm patients, the cafeteria cheeseburger that somehow tastes like liver, the whiteboard where the nurse writes her name or wishes you a happy thanksgiving by drawing a turkey and cornucopia should you be lucky enough to spend a holiday there, the 4 servings of butter that comes on the breakfast tray even though there is nothing on the tray that remotely requires butter, the sixth sense the entire staff has that allows them to know when you are about to fall asleep so they might as well come on in and check your temp for the 80th time today, the list is endless.

then i woke up today, thanksgiving day, i had internalized something important. even though i had been telling myself this all along, somehow today it truly resonated. all of that crap i lived through was worth it because of where i sit today. i have a full family, i have *3* children, i am a very lucky woman. so with that i mind, i set about roasting turkey and mashing potatoes and sat down at a table with the people who mean the to most to me.

here we are...
















happy thanksgiving everyone!!

ps - max learned how to clap this week. (we played a lot of pat-a-cake to pass the time in the hospital) see for yourself...