one year ago today

one year ago today, everything turned upside down. the pregnancy that was filled with joy - a double blessing suddenly became tenuous and fear inducing. the morning began like most others, in a hurry, get fin dressed, get him fed, get him in the car to make it to the drop off line in time for school. then i went to my appointment with dr. l. and never came home. i loved being pregnant, right up until that day - then it became hard work. it was really hard not resenting the pregnancy or my body or some combination of the two for keeping me from my first born. it had absolutely nothing to do with those two beautiful boys growing inside of me, but everything to do with the circumstances. yet somehow, it was all about those two boys growing inside of me. it is hard to explain - harder even to live. i have said this more than once, but being a mother is the hardest job i have ever had. one of the hardest parts, that frankly i am still working on, is dividing my attention. i wont even say dividing it equally, because thats not realistic - but dividing it fairly is hard work!

i am making an effort to spend this month of thanksgiving to be purposefully thankful for what i have in life. i am hoping that this month long challenge will distract me from the memory of where i was 1 year ago.

today i am thankful that i have 3 beautiful, happy and healthy children in my life. if it were not for that appointment on this fateful day one year ago i cant even imagine where i might be today. since my first pregnancy was induced, i was not used to what "normal" contractions felt like and didnt realize i had been having them (likely the cause of my shortened cervix). that appointment saved my two babies - and i am thankful for that!