j. and i have been talking alot lately about having another baby. and by that, i mean mostly, should not when. i truly miss being pregnant. my heart just aches for that feeling of a baby swimming around in my belly, content and fulfilled in a watery existence. becoming pregnant is not something that came easy for me. there were months when j. and i just were not on the same page about being ready. then finally we decided we were ready. and months turned into years. f. took just shy of 3 years to conceive. m&k took close to 2 years to conceive. truly a labor of love - each time. anyone who has fought the infertility battle knows that there is nothing romantic or even enjoyable about making a baby against all odds. it is the labor before the labor. checking the calendar, scheduling the intercourse, hanging your feet in the air because somewhere you read that would help guide the swimmers to the right locale. i mean, think about it, how many people where in the room when you conceived? for me it was 4. nothing short of clinical.
i was so lucky not to have suffered losses along the way, beyond just one line appearing on the stick. but a roller coaster it was, nonetheless. seeing that single line, month after month, takes its toll. time after time i had allowed myself to imagine where i would be in nine months. i would count out the months and think fun, an april baby, and then oh well, a may baby, hmm, maybe a june baby, and so on and so on. why on earth would i want to put myself through that again?
and then i see these 3 boys each morning and i think how could i not want more?!
2 comments:
It's amazing how the joy of children makes you forget the pain endured to get there isn't it? I'm amazed by that every single day. In time, you'll find the right answer. And perhaps a miracle will happen along the way! I can definitely relate Nic - it's hard to say your "done" isn't it?
k
the reality is we probably are "done". it is a process though of getting over that fact, coupled with the fact that last time just didnt go according to plan (as you well know). when i got preggo with m&k, i thought this will be the last time, somehow now i am wavering on that thought. the good news is i have these three healthy boys to remind me each day just how blessed and lucky i am.
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