f.

i have been reflecting a lot this week about how life has changed for f. since his brothers have come along . thinking about how well he has adapted in some areas and how much he struggles in other areas. when he first started walking, about 4 years ago, he was fearless. he would have happily walked into traffic and not thought twice about it. months later, he would have jumped from the highest ledge and probably not even have considered his landing on the way down. he had two parents who doted over him and had little else to focus on. the summer i was pregnant with the boys, he would put his "swim muscles" on without complaint and dive into the pool with absolutely no fear.

then suddenly that fall, his world changed too. i found myself permanently stationed in a hospital bed, with the future uncertain for my unborn children (his brothers) who were swirling around in my belly at a mere 26 weeks gestation. but f. suddenly found himself without all the comforts of home too. his main source of comfort was lying flat on her back, five miles from home, hooked up to terb. pumps and hidden behind hospital bed rails. i can't imagine what this must have been like for him. when i stop to think about it for too long, my body crumbles into a heap of streaming tears - even now. i cant help but feel selfish for wanting more children when i think about how it changed his world. our intent was to provide him with a playmate, to grow our family by one, to have two children (total) to read to at night and to snuggle with in the morning. while i wouldn't trade how things ended up for anything - i still wonder how much it has shaped f.

when m. and k. made their sudden appearance on the early afternoon of dec. 6th, 2006 my thoughts were far away from my firstborn. i had a fleeting thought when i wondered how i was going to explain to f. why these babies arrived before santa, even though we had spent months telling him that after santa arrived, so would his brothers. but then my mind was wrought with thoughts about those two boys - wondering would they be able to breathe on their own, would they have brain bleeds, would they even survive. luckily it wasnt long before all those fears were put to rest. but in the meantime, f.'s world was changing by the second. he was no longer the center of attention. his mother and father were suddenly on a schedule that involved multiple daily trips to see his brothers. brothers who he had only gotten two small glimpses of, because the NICU terrified him. its funny how intuitive their little brains can be - NICU is a terrifying place. even when his brothers graduated the NICU, the attention was mostly focused on them - not him. one baby is demanding, two babies are more than twice as demanding. the fun that f. had with his parents was limited by the mere fact that there are only 24 hours in a day.

then i started to notice the changes in f. as well. he was intensely proud to be "the big brother" of not one, but two babies. but then all the attention that was lavished upon them began to wear on his very being. total strangers would approach us; while oohing and aahing over his brothers, they would completely ignore him. i always tried to introduce the proud big brother, but he was no comparison for two tiny babies. he started to do things like pulling the sun shades of their carseats over his brothers, so the gawkers had no choice but to recognize him. sometimes the recognition came in the form of noticing that he was not acting like they thought he should. any mom knows that sometimes a child will take attention, positive or negative. i noticed that need for attention at home too, and sometimes fell into the trap of laying it on more in a negative light than positive. we were barely surviving most days, that is simply what our life had become. exhaustion does not begin to do justice to what i was feeling. if given the chance, i could fall asleep in less than a heartbeat.

all the while, f. was going through some big things too. the first time he would ride on a school bus. making new friends that his parents couldn't pick out of a line-up, just by virtue of him riding the bus to and from school. playing on team sports. learning how to write. some of these things he did with ease. others, not so much. one day i got a call from school and was informed that f. had a panic or anxiety "episode" over writing in his journal. they were so worried about him, that he was carted off to the nurses office, where he later calmed down enough to return to class. however, his teacher learned to tread lightly when it came to getting him to write in his journal. ironically, when he got off the bus that day, before i had even gotten the call from his teacher, i asked him how his day was and he reported "great!!" umm, ok?! his teacher was of the impression that f. puts too much pressure on himself to do things perfectly the first time. i could certainly see that as being part of his personality. however, i wasnt sure where that pressure had come from. did f. feel like i expected him to be perfect? i hoped that was not the case. but i couldnt help but think that it stemmed from the fact that he was getting increasingly less attention at home. try as we might to be everything to everyone, some needs were just being met before others. concerned about the anxiety/panic issue i met with the pediatrician and discussed things. armed with a plan of action, we went about life again.

occasionally things would crop up, and i would wonder why f. reacted as he had to one thing or another. then we started swim lessons this summer. the first day went fine - f. was nervous, but so were the other 6 kids. the week progressed and even after he had made some great progress things spiraled downward on thursday. i witnessed first hand, what could only be described as a panic attack. my heart broke into a million pieces for f. i swept him into my arms and held him tight. then i encouraged him to go back to the lesson and at least sit on the side of the pool and watch. at the time, i felt like that was the best way to proceed. i dont want f. to think that he can just quit when his nerves get the best of him. when we got home i made some phone calls and got him signed up for a few private swim lessons to get him over the hump. they start the middle of next week.

in the meantime, tomorrow we will return to the group swim lessons. and i hope that my first born, who will always be a baby to me in some ways, will succeed. after swim lessons, we are taking off for the beach - just the three of us - for a special mommy/daddy/f. day. i cant wait!! i am anxious to lavish him with attention. even if its just for the day - i hope he can relish in the fact that even though he has brothers, he is still the light of my life. i hope that the pressure he feels will sink down to the bottom of that ocean and stay there forever. i hope that he can always be everything that he wants to be in life. i am so lucky to have him in my life and i love him so much!