mars vs. venus

j. accepted a new position, with a new agency. as part of the hiring process he has to go through a background check, which included a screening for the use of illicit drugs. what i am about to share will clearly outline the difference between j. (a man) and myself (a mother of 3).

friday was j.'s regular day off. f. was off to camp early and the rest of us decided to accompany j. to the urgent care clinic so he could leave his pee for them to test. this should take what - 15 minutes?! being generous, lets say, i assumed it would take 35 minutes or so. not too outrageous of an outing, during which m. and k. would be strapped into their stroller. then we would be off to have some fun. so we packed up the car with the boys in tow and finally locate the place in one of the seedier neighborhoods outside of baltimore. when we got inside, i quickly realized my generous estimate was laughable. we were going to be here for at least an hour.

so i set out about entertaining the wee ones while we waited what seemed like a ridiculous amount of time. it quickly became clear that the only thing that urgently occurred in this facility were the smoke breaks that the staff took. so finally after an hour, j.'s name is called.

i was so excited i almost peed right there myself! mostly i was just glad because my arsenal of entertainment tricks had dwindled to letting the boys chew each of my credit cards to see which one they liked best and playing all the ring tones on my cell phone to let them stroller dance along to their favorite. clearly i was desperate! another 10 minutes or so pass and j. finally emerges.

i quickly exit my seat and exclaim "thank god!" i am swiftly defeated when j. says "i am not done, i couldn't go" to which i reply "what?!?!what do you mean you couldnt go?did you pee before we left the house?you drank a large iced mccoffee that has got to be at least worth one specimen full!!i am so going to be blogging about this!!!" and then he is all "why don't you take the boys outside and check back in about 15 minutes?" begrudgingly i exit the building into the nine-thousand degree heat with about twelve-thousand percent humidity and quickly exhaust the joys of the great outdoors. [this is when i discovered the favored smoke break area]

i finally decide to load the boys in the car, because, clearly it couldnt take him more than a few minutes to get up the urge to pee, right?! wrong!! 45 minutes later, i pull the car into the ambulance bay (because who are we kidding the last time an ambulance came here its patient was clearly being transported to the morgue and the driver was just stopping to ask directions) and began politely honking my horn. j. emerges and mutters something about how this is too much pressure and that i should just take the boys to lunch and come back. umm, hello - this is where i start to have issues. who goes to a pee test and cant pee? clearly not a women - and absolutely not a mother of three. a mother of three can pee at will - sometimes even against her own will (i'm just saying). filling a cup to a certain line has never been a problem for me!

after another 20 minutes, he finally emerges with a smile on his face, like he just accomplished the unthinkable and says "ready babe?" since it was now lunch time, we proceeded directly to the restaurant where he quietly left the table three times to pee. i guess the pressure was off!