play-by-play of our trip to the in-laws

thursday, july 3rd

3:30PM
ask j. to load the car, with all that it takes to get out of the house with 3 kids for less than 24 hours. needlesstosay, the minivan was packed to the gills.

4:15PM
personally pack small cooler with essentials for trip and head to private swim lessons for fin, before heading to PA to see the in-laws. neglect to specifically ask jon if he put everything in the car, including the suitcase packed with everyone's clothes for the trip. (insert eerie foreshadowing music here).

5:25PM
finish up with private swim lesson (which by the way is SOO worth the money, f. was swimming unassisted during his 2nd lesson) and load the kids in the car.

5:26PM
make 1st stop at mcd's to prepare for a session of over the shoulder feeding. decide not to order anything for j. and myself, because we are going to stop at our absolute favorite sub shop in delaware on the way. (while we were in college, we ate here at least twice a week, and truth be told it is the *only* thing i look forward to on these trips to the in-laws).

5:27PM
commence over the shoulder feeding.

5:35PM
realize beach traffic is going to be a bit of a pain in the arse for us. apparantly everyone is getting an early start on their holiday travel. panic starts to set in as i wonder if the sub shop will still be open when we finally make it to delaware.

5:36PM
phone information to get in touch with sub shop to confirm closing time. am advised that they are open until 8pm. actually say "sweet" outloud to the sub shop employee. yes the subs are that good!

5:37PM
sit back and enjoy the barrage of "mommy, are we there yet?"

7:08PM
j. mentions that we are about 10 minutes out from the sub shop and that i should phone in our order.

7:09PM
call sub shop. exact transcript of that call is provided here:
them: "hello, thank you for calling capriotti's in middletown. we are out of sub rolls"
me: "oh, ok"
them: "have a wonderful holiday"
me: "umm, thanks"

7:10PM
dry my face from the actual tears that came streaming down when i realized i had to do the in-law visit with out the proper sustenance on board. settle for arby's drive-thru. (hey, it was that or waffle haus with three screaming kids in tow.)

8:35PM
arrive at in-laws, witness mil's first mix-up of who is m. and who is k. firsthand. try really hard to smile. fail!

8:36PM
remind myself that i am here because mil has stage 4 ovarian cancer and she really wants to see her grandchildren while she is well enough to enjoy them.

8:37PM
release children into totally unsafe backyard and proceed to chase them in opposite directions while in-laws sit on their collective arse and watch; exerting energy only to comment on how ragged they seem to be running me. remove m. from water feature in yard.

8:38PM
retrieve cushion from inside for mil's sensitive arse, which is apparantly not used to sitting on deck steps. quickly scan fridge and discover that no child friendly items have been procured in anticipation of our planned visit. remove k. from water feature in yard.

8:39PM
remind myself again that i am visiting because mil has stage 4 ovarian cancer and she really wants to see her grandchildren while she is well enough to enjoy them. remove m. & k. from water feature in yard.

8:40PM
ask j. to unload car, as it is nearly two hours past the bedtime of the shortest people in my life.

8:42PM
watch as j. discovers that he neglected to pack the suitcase. realize that we are here for 24 hours with only the clothes on our backs and a few diapers that i stashed in a separate bag. panic!

8:43PM
set up pack-n-plays and change diapers. put m&k down for the night in slightly damp clothes courtesy of water feature play and prepare to make a trip to closest target for the essentials. screaming ensues.

8:44PM
mil makes a big deal about screaming and turns off her hearing aids. mil inquires about how long screaming will last. consider telling her all night, but refrain and say "oh, probably no more than 10 minutes".

8:46PM
wonder if it is really safe to leave all three kids with in-laws while going to target. decide to take f. with us, and leave m&k behind - hoping they will settle down quickly.

8:47PM
leave for target, ask j. if he is purposely avoiding making eye contact with me because he knows just how pissed i am. receive affirmative from j.

9:15PM
arrive at target and prepare buy:
outfits x 5
underwear x 3
pj's x 3 (being optimistic that m&k will be asleep upon re-arrival at in-laws)
packs of overnights, diapers and wipes
milk
breakfast items
juice
toy to bribe f., who is up way past his bedtime.

9:55PM
smack down $192.07 and mention to husband that it would have been cheaper to bring the suitcase along.

10:22PM
arrive at in-laws for the second time and am relieved to discover that m. & k. are asleep.

10:23PM
discover fan from circa 1963 in bedroom and realize for the first time, that although it is still 85 degrees out and about 105% humidity that in-laws have opted not to use the air conditioning during our visit.

10:24PM
unsuccessfully direct evil glare in the direction of j., who is still avoiding making eye contact with me.

10:25PM
remove 3, yes 3, winter-weight blankets from full size bed and wonder how j., f. and myself are going to sleep comfortably. climb in bed.

10:40PM
turn to fin and ask if he wants to camp out in his sleeping bag on the floor. smile on the inside when he agrees!

10:45PM
try to get comfortable.

10:48PM
toss.

11:15PM
turn.

friday, july 4th

12:38AM
toss.

1:36AM
turn.

2:15AM
realize there is no chance that comfort will be in the equation.

2:57AM
look at clock for what i hope will be the last time before falling asleep.

3:01AM
wake up to sound of k. screaming his head off, realize j. has already gotten out of bed to assist k. roll over and try to get comfortable.

3:02AM
remind myself that there is no chance that comfort will part of the equation.

3:14AM
j. returns and says "k. is really tired i think he will settle down in a minute or two" and "by the way, m. is up too!"

3:15AM
by some miracle, both boys fall back to sleep

4:16AM
try to remember if i tossed last or turned. opt for turn.

5:07AM
awake to the sound of my own screaming and realize that i have a charley horse in each leg.

7:23AM
turn to j. and inform him that the boys are awake and that we should get out of bed.

7:24AM
stumble out of bed, say good morning to mil on way to get m. & k. and start day by feeding m. & k. witness mil mistake m. for k. the second time. mind you, they are still wearing the same clothes as the night before (which don't match).

8:00AM
finish cleaning up breakfast and settle boys in downstairs "playroom" to play and wait for big brother to wake up. begin to move breakables, and other choking hazards, etc. to safer ground.

8:24AM
decide that it is not possible to remove every unsafe object, give up and sit down for the first time to enjoy watching the boys play. wonder where in-laws are, after all, we are visiting so that they can enjoy the children.

9:00AM
in-laws emerge after their morning naps and settle down in close proximity to children and proceed to read their newspapers.

9:13AM
f. emerges and requests breakfast.

9:15AM
make breakfast for f. and myself, as everyone else has already eaten.

9:23AM
clean up after f. and make way back to "playroom".

9:24AM
resume watching children play and in-laws read their papers.

9:25AM
remind myself again that i am visiting because mil has stage 4 ovarian cancer and she really wants to see her grandchildren while she is well enough to enjoy them.

9:47AM
carry on debate with myself about whether it will be easier to watch children in "playroom" or yard.

10:12AM
move things outdoors. remove m. from water feature.

10:14AM
go inside to retrieve cushion for mil.

10:15AM
remove both m. & k. from water feature

10:27AM
move back inside because of rain. give all three kids a snack to pass time. and realize i have not even visited the little girls room yet today.

11:00AM
cry uncle and announce that i am going to get a shower.

11:02AM
strip bed and remake as requested by mil.

11:35AM
take cold shower, because am sweaty mess after making bed with all 3 of the winter-weight blankets.

11:45AM
emerge from shower and hear m. & k. screaming their heads off. wonder if j. will realize that they are ready for lunch, quickly followed by a nap.

12:03PM
make lunch for m., k., f. and j. overhear conversation lead by mil about what color my children's eyes are. (all green/hazel for the record)

12:10PM
finally sit down to have my own lunch. realize m. & k. are finished eating and are ready for nap. get up and put the boys down for a nap.

12:18PM
resume my own lunch. excuse f. from the table and note, with a smile, to self that he actually tried the cheese with a name i can't even pronounce that i put on his plate.

12:19PM
bite my tongue while mil makes f. take one more bite of everything on his plate before leaving the table. have debate in my head about whether i am more pissed because a.) i clearly already excused the poor child or b.) this is the first true interaction she is having with him and it involves force feeding of some cheese i can't even pronounce.

12:25PM
settle f. in with a cartoon while his brothers nap.

12:26PM
wonder where in-laws are.

2:35PM
hear m. & k. waking from nap and wonder where in-laws have been for last 2 hours. realize they have been napping as well, when fil finally emerges.

3:27PM
agree to take boys to the park, for a change of pace, and frankly a break for myself.

3:28PM
realize in-laws are not coming to park. try to make eye contact with j. fail!

3:29PM
arrive at park. let kids play. finally corner j. and agree that this is ridiculous and we should just pack it in. discuss how we will inform in-laws that taking everyone out for chinese is just not going to be happening for dinner tonight.

3:59PM
return to in-laws and update them on plan to leave early. discover that mil has now plugged in water features in the yard, so they are even more of an attraction. curse mil under breath. remove m. & k. from water features.

4:00PM
ask j. if we have stayed long enough and beg him to pack the car. remove k. from water feature.

4:15PM
make one last sweep of the house to look for any forgotten items, since after all, j. was packing the car. ask j. to remove m. from water feature.

4:17PM
finish making 3rd trip to the car with all the forgotten items that i found on last sweep of house.

4:18PM
smile as we exit the driveway of in-laws. turn to husband and tell him he owes me big time, finally making eye contact.