every once and awhile there's a benefit

yesterday i volunteered at the hospital. on my way there i was thinking, maybe i should just play hooky and get a pedicure. i still get an anxious feeling when i am closing in on the hospital. but the thing is, when i leave, i am always glad i went. walking up those stairs to the NICU is, for me, a mental challenge like no other. those were such hard days and i know that by walking in there, i am about to open myself up to families who are in that raw and vulnerable spot where i once lived myself. its such a difficult spot. i see my role as a volunteer is to listen, share a bit of my experience, offer advice when solicited, answer questions that only another NICU mom would understand, and hopefully give a little boost of spirits.

i was a bit caught off guard yesterday though when i met a mom who was brand new to the NICU experience. her son was not even one week old. i am often nervous introducing myself beccause i never really know what i am walking in on. is it a good day for them or one of those terribly depressing NICU days that hit you like a ton of bricks? the social worker had asked me to check in on this family, because they were asking for support. so after i introduced myself and mentioned that the social worker has asked me to look in on them, i was somehow still surprised at the raw vulnerablility when the first thing the mom said to me was that she felt soo guilty that her son was there and could i just talk to her. she was on the verge of tears. the thing i couldnt tell her is that i am still grappling with that guilt, she didnt need to hear that, i suspect she will learn that on her own in the days, months and even years to come. i did rub her shoulder and tell her i know exactly how hard it is. that no one asks to be there and that she should just try to throw herself into being a mom by getting as involved as she can with taking care of the newest person in her life.

the thing about being a mom is that guilt is always going to be a part of the equation. you are always going to think you could have done something better, or that you could have controlled your temper better, or that you shouldnt resent changing the 15 billionth diaper because one day they wont need your help anymore. i didnt have any shining answer for that mom, because when you become a mom, your needs become secondary at best. guilt is just part of the equation.

today a headline on a preemies organization caught my eye. it read "Babies Placed In Incubators Decrease Risk Of Depression As Adults." WOW! what it comes down to is that the environment in the incubator is soo controlled that there is less stress for the child. in conclusion the article states that starting life in an incubator "is a trigger for a complex chain of biological and emotional factors that helped decrease depression." they even acknowledged that children that start life in incubators are often offered more emotional support by their mothers throughout childhood because they were perceived as more vulnerable. no kidding - now we just need the study of the emotional wellbeing of the mothers of those children in incubators. i bet they find a connection to guilt. guilt is just part of the equation.