shift

i know that i need to take responsibility as well, but i am feeling this shift in a friendship that makes my heart hurt. nearly 6 years ago a woman came into my life and i knew immediately she was someone i wanted to be friends with and get to know better. we seemed to have so much in common and the friendship was easily forged over coffee, watching over our collective charges, nights out (and even away) without the children, and even vacationing together with our families. laughter and tears both came easily and were always met with the same energy. there were days when we would talk on the phone more than once, and neither one of us apologized for calling for the third time that day about what was going on in our lives (in the last ten minutes). we were always planning the next time we would see each other even when the next was only minutes away. it was effortless. and then m&k were born.

i dont mean that to sound like m&k are in any way at fault, i know they are not. but when i think about how this friendship began to shift, it all points back to that time in my life. spending 5 weeks alone in the hospital can be a very alienating thing. although my friend came to visit me often, sometimes 3 or 4 times in a week, i still felt the shift begin to occur when m&k were born. i felt incredibly alone and isolated during those 5 weeks. my body was consumed with building two lives and my brain was too. when i was finally no longer confined to those 4 bedrest walls, my world only got bigger in drips and drabs. i remember leaving the hospital the first day and physically feeling how loud everything was outside of that room. i had changed, my mind functioned in a new way, even my body was different. physically, i could feel the noise of the outside world. i was now the mother of 3 boys, two of whom were clinging to life in the NICU. i needed my friends to hold me up. i needed someone to sit with me and cry with me. i needed to not be doing that alone in the bathroom at the hospital. i needed.

maybe i allowed the insanity of mothering two premature babies at once, not to mention keeping the schedule of their older brother, offer me an excuse not to pick up the phone as often as i once had done without a second thought. maybe i allowed that excuse to continue even when i was again feeling human, when i could no longer feel the noise physically. there were still shared coffees, and nights out, and collectively watching over our charges, but all of it was less frequent. sadly, all of it seemed to require soo much more effort, on both ends. now when i see that friend, we fill the silence with things like "i havent seen you in soo long" or "i cant remember when i saw you last." somehow the things that we used to share when we talked on the phone for the third time in one day no longer seem worthy of even a weekly phone call. more often than not i find myself surprised when it comes to light that something monumental has happened to one or the other of us, and we are just finding out months later in a sort of off handed way. i find myself saying, "oh, i thought i told you that." maybe i did and she forgot, maybe i didnt and i forgot. maybe it just didnt seem worth it.

now we are at the point where it takes several days to return an email, and even longer to return a phone call. a phone call which almost always goes to voicemail. plans have to be arranged weeks in advance, and then often change at the last minute. i am feeling this shift in a friendship. my heart is hurting and i dont know what to do.