feeling brave

ok, it might not sound like much of an accomplishment, but i am feeling fairly accomplished today. i got my brave on and decided to head to the grocery store with fin, max and keegan in tow. it was quite a task for me. since i was in bed most of the weekend, the cupboards were bare - so off we went. watch out safeway and TJs here we come, i thought. all in all, it wasnt too bad. with all three boys full on breakfast (the last morsels of food in the house), i had high hopes for cooperation. keegan had his first ride like a big boy in the grocery cart. thank goodness for that neat little contraption that covers the germs and keeps them strapped in all in one. fin rode like a really big boy in the back of the cart, unteathered with promise of listening dollars if he was good. and max rode in the bjorn. i got a few stares that radiated "my goodness how many children does she have". but there was one kind mom who knowingly gave me the nod in the bread aisle. safeway was the first stop. apparantly they were doing some kind of inventory, so there were about 3 workers and about 50 boxes strewn about in each aisle counting stuff and reorganizing shelves. so fin was in charge of saying "excuse us". self-delegated i might add - ahh the manners are returning. i see just a glimmer of that. max and keegan, face to face, kept each other occupied. aha, success - off to Tjs we go.

well, the mere trip from safeway to TJs put m and k to sleep. all two-tenths of a mile of it! so i had to re-evaluate my set up. fin agreed to stay with the cart if he was walking. thankfully TJs is not too big! max went back in the bjorn and keegan stayed in his bucket seat sitting atop the cart. m and k slept through the whole TJs trip. nice! so car loaded, stickers in hand for fin, back home we went. all in under 1.5 hours! now that is impressive. am i right?

knocked out

it has been a rough few days here in the van doren household. why do illnesses always seem to creep up on weekends? fin and i have both had the worst stomach bug ever. poor guy, i hate to see him sick. but it is even harder when i feel so bad myself and cant comfort him the way i want. i spent most of friday afternoon until this morning in bed - ugh. it reminded me of my bedrest days - a memory i thought was long gone. jon was a trooper though, and not even too whiney. max and keegan are cutting teeth, so j really had it coming at him from all angles. a sick wife and 4 year old and 2 cranky 8 month babies. kudos to him for making it through the last few days.

happy 8 month birthday boys!

i cant believe that max and keegan have now been in the world longer than they were in my belly. it is crazy, and totally not supposed to end up this way. but they are doing great. the physical therapy is going well and we are noticing improvements at every session.

i tried to capture a bit of the chaos here these days...

ever wonder what happened to...

that sweet little baby you used to haul around on your hip or tow around holding hands. lately, i have been wondering what happened to fin. he used to be such a sweet boy. and so polite - everyone would comment about how polite he was. and honestly, it wasnt that long ago. just in october we spent a night in the ER with him. he woke up around 2AM having trouble breathing, and the poor thing was scared out of his mind he was doing the ugly cry as oprah would call it. so we quickly dressed ourselves, scooped him up along with his blanket and speed to the ER. in the triage, the nurse wanted to put the little pulsox reader on his finger. and when she asked him if she could do it he responded, "no thank you". she got the same response, "no thank you," when she asked him to open his mouth so she could take his temperature. now here is a little boy who can barely breathe still taking the time to use his manners. scared as i was about what was wrong with him, there was still a glimmer of being a proud mama. turned out he had croup and needed a steroid shot and a nubulizer treatment once they moved him into the ER. but that triage nurse was so touched by how sweet he was, that when she was off duty she came looking for us to check on him. again that glimmer of proud mama surfaced.

lately that glimmer surfaces less frequently and my face burns in mortification more often. he has always been a talker, but sometimes the things he says are downright embarassing. like this question to an unsuspecting waitress - "why are your teeth so dirty?" poor girl just had braces. thankfully i was not present for that one - poor granny and pop felt the face burn i am sure. yesterday we were in the mall with a friend and he starts the visit off with "i am too tired to do that" and i had a bad feeling about the day would progress. actually his mood did improve and his energy resurfaced. at one point fin and his little friend were running towards the playland area and got a bit ahead of the grownups. i was scared because with max and keegan in tow, i couldnt chase after them. so off went the other grownup to corral them. we both sort of let our charges have it, mostly out of fear. but from then on they were much better. they would walk ahead, but look back over their shoulders to make sure we were still in sight. it was nice to see they had learned a lesson. however, my improved mood was quickly squashed.

here is how it went down...
we were headed towards pottery barn kids, a favorite spot of kids to run amuck. the kids were about 5 paces ahead - a totally reasonable distance. the mall is full of construction right now with this huge expansion in progress. so we are rounding the center court - which is now big temporary walls loaded with ads about what is to come. i feel a swift breeze to my side and this mature woman passes by, weaving in and out of our party and likely the other mall goers as well. so on one of their regular check to see if they are still in a safe distance, fin and his friend turn to look for the grownups. this woman was blocked twice, completely inadvertantly, by fin as she tried to weave through our party. honestly, i dont think he even saw her at all. and she looks at me and the other grownup and says in the huffiest voice she can muster "you really should teach your children some manners!". i was speechless. it was one of those moments where you think of all the great comebacks just a few moments too late. like "where did you go to charm school, because i want to be sure i don't send my child there?" honestly all that was coming to mind was F*** YOU LADY!!, but given the company i refrained and muttered something clever like "perhaps you could use a lesson as well". why is it that things like this can just ruin a day? and honestly, a day later, why am i still thinking about this? part of it, i suppose, is that i am missing the polite little boy. while he was not in the wrong in this situation, he has been lacking manners a great deal recently. its a sore spot right now. at any rate, we got on with our day. and later at lunch, two separate people approached and commented on how well behaved our children were at lunch. nonetheless, i have been left wondering should moms be added to the protected class? is there such a thing as mommy discrimination?

fin and i did have a long talk on the way home about his manners resurfacing and i have noticed a bit of an improvement. i am hoping we are on the way to getting back on track. i miss the no thank yous.

bye, bye binkie

yesterday i had to throw max's binkie in the trash. he had actually worn a tear in it! i don't know why, but it made me sad to throw it out. one of the first tricks that max and keegan learned in the nicu, besides breathing that is, was to suck on a binkie. they became soo attached to these nicu binkies, that i have been unable to get them to take any other binkie. and of course i can't find these hospital issued binkies in any store to replace them. so since their birth, they have each had the same binkie. in a way, i suppose, it was like a tie to those nicu days. i remember a few days where my only goal in the nicu was to teach max how to use the binkie, in hopes that he would catch on to breastfeeding as well. the "binkie olympics" one of the nurses had called it. i constantly find myself in this strange place where i am saddened to leave a nicu moment like this behind, but at the same time can't wait to somehow be relieved of all the sadness that the nicu brought into my life. it is a very strange place to exist. its hard to explain and i know that some other nicu moms would probably understand exactly what i mean. so bye, bye binkie it is. and here is hoping that max was really done with it, or will except a substitute non-nicu replacement. wish us luck!

7 mos. and counting

ok, so i missed their 7 mo. b-day for posting purposes anyway. hopefully this adorable picture will make up for it. both boys are sitting up now and rolling from back to front! they started physical therapy yesterday through the county program - and we love the therapist. she is very kind and clearly loves kids. she has showed us a few tricks already! thank you t.!
















fin has started summer camp this week. you know, i love this little boy to death, but we were really getting on each others nerves. next year i will consider more summer camp! i was told that 4 was going to be better than 3 - but not really sure that is the case in this house anyway. the backtalking is really the worst. i have been promised that 5 is a great age. here's hoping!

when my sister and i were growing up, my mom took our picture next to a birthday candle just like this one each year. now there are two collages that hang in my parents dining room. one for n. and one for me. its a great way to see the progression over the years. jon found me a candle on ebay just like what i had growing up for fin. you really can find everything on ebay. growing up, sometimes the pictures were taken a little late, as a mom of 3, now i totally appreciate that. we just took fin's picture yesterday for his 4th birthday. he is getting so big. one day, when i make that collage of 20 pictures , i will forget all about how nasty 4 can be!

fit of giggles

i meant to post about this weeks ago. on a recent night, fin and i were invited to join some good friends for ice cream. not known to turn down ice cream, we gladly accepted. so our friends picked us up, and off we went. it amuses me listening to 4 year olds converse - the longtime pals were in the back chatting away. excitement was in the air. when we got there, fin was soo excited (we all were -after all it was coldstone creamery) that he ran up to get the door and hold it for all of us. in his utter state of excitement he got ahead of himself. he actually bounced off of the front door and landed flat on his arse. it was one of those moments where you couldnt help but laugh out loud. the customers and workers inside the store were laughing as well. last night as i was falling asleep, something triggered this memory and again i burst into a fit of giggles. motherhood is often amusing!

note: no children were harmed in the effort to enjoy this sweet treat!