sacrifice

there has been a ton of speculation this week surrounding the mom who gave birth to eight babies on monday, at once. yes that means octuplets. funny, as i type that, the spell checker doesnt even recognize "octuplets" as a word. that gives us an indication of just how rare it is. apparantly there is only one other living set, who are now 10 years old.

i feel for this mom, because, like it or not, she has been thrust into the public eye. now everyone feels the right to comment about her life, her choices, her method of becoming pregnant, how many children is too many children, why doctors allowed her to proceed with such a plan, etc. privacy as she once knew it, has disappeared. and what of the poor innocent children?! they did not ask to be brought into this world. yet they will go through life, probably spending more days feeling like a spectacle than not. they will go to drs. appointments or the shopping mall and watch their mother be peppered with inappropiate questions. they will enter kindergarten, and their siblings will likely take up half the class. one day they might even google themselves and get exponentially more hits than the average person would if we googled our own name.

although i understand all the speculation about how and why, i still feel for her. as a mother of twins i am constantly fending off personal and inappropriate questions. complete strangers think it is perfectly appropriate to ask if i took drugs to become pregnant, if my children are natural, how long it took to become pregnant, are they test tube babies or did i use a turkey baster, did i have a vaginal birth, did i breastfeed, etc. i have been forced to engage in a debate with a minimum wage worker in a big box store about whether or not my children are identical. a debate which was then followed by a lengthy discussion where i fruitlessly attempted to kindly point out the differences in my children. followed by further discussion on how i tell them apart. all because i wanted to buy a ceiling fan for my 5 year old's bedroom.

as parents we make sacrifices for our children, its part of the territory. sometimes we give up things that are important to us, like careers, sleep, money, a social life, the ability to complete a sentence, dining in restaurants that dont have the word "highchair" in their vocabulary, and yes, privacy too. we give up privacy first. sometimes we take medication, give ourselves shots every day, and visit a dr. every other day for seemingly months on end to have blood drawn and have large probes put in sacred places to measure tiny follicles. sometimes, in utter desparation, we lie in a bed on our side for 5 weeks straight just to give babies a chance to actually be able to take a breath when we birth them. all in the name of love. and sometimes those babies are born and shit and piss all over us. and sometimes they grow up and figuratively do the same thing. but you know what we do, we find a way to make another sacrifice. it is what mothers do. we sacrifice. all in the name of love.

mommy, which box is my snow saucer in? i dont know bud...

implausible utterings

lately i find words coming out of my mouth that i thought i would never utter. here is just a small collection:

• could you please stop putting train tracks down your shirt?
• please take your finger out of your brother's ear.
• stop licking the television.
• no, his name is barack obama, not iraq obama.
• stop hitting your brother over the head with your milk cup!

there are also those things that slip out that i am certain i rolled my eyes to when they were no doubt directed at me 30 years ago:

• where are your manners?
• did you flush?
• no you can not have french fries for breakfast.

lastly, and somehow now unabashedly...

• yes, i do, i love my minivan.

what do you find yourself saying that you once thought implausible?

a historic day

as the clock turned to 12 noon today j., m&k, and i sat around the kitchen table watching the 44th president take the oath of the presidency. i am certain that m&k wont remember this day, but i will always remember sharing the lunch with them on this historic day.

since my two two year olds are closely hinged to their schedules they went down for their nap before president obama even began his inaugural speech. but as i watched, i was most struck by president obama's conviction, grace and hope. today i am even more hopeful about the future of our country. i am even more hopeful about the future of my children growing up in this country. today was a historic day.

every once and awhile there's a benefit

yesterday i volunteered at the hospital. on my way there i was thinking, maybe i should just play hooky and get a pedicure. i still get an anxious feeling when i am closing in on the hospital. but the thing is, when i leave, i am always glad i went. walking up those stairs to the NICU is, for me, a mental challenge like no other. those were such hard days and i know that by walking in there, i am about to open myself up to families who are in that raw and vulnerable spot where i once lived myself. its such a difficult spot. i see my role as a volunteer is to listen, share a bit of my experience, offer advice when solicited, answer questions that only another NICU mom would understand, and hopefully give a little boost of spirits.

i was a bit caught off guard yesterday though when i met a mom who was brand new to the NICU experience. her son was not even one week old. i am often nervous introducing myself beccause i never really know what i am walking in on. is it a good day for them or one of those terribly depressing NICU days that hit you like a ton of bricks? the social worker had asked me to check in on this family, because they were asking for support. so after i introduced myself and mentioned that the social worker has asked me to look in on them, i was somehow still surprised at the raw vulnerablility when the first thing the mom said to me was that she felt soo guilty that her son was there and could i just talk to her. she was on the verge of tears. the thing i couldnt tell her is that i am still grappling with that guilt, she didnt need to hear that, i suspect she will learn that on her own in the days, months and even years to come. i did rub her shoulder and tell her i know exactly how hard it is. that no one asks to be there and that she should just try to throw herself into being a mom by getting as involved as she can with taking care of the newest person in her life.

the thing about being a mom is that guilt is always going to be a part of the equation. you are always going to think you could have done something better, or that you could have controlled your temper better, or that you shouldnt resent changing the 15 billionth diaper because one day they wont need your help anymore. i didnt have any shining answer for that mom, because when you become a mom, your needs become secondary at best. guilt is just part of the equation.

today a headline on a preemies organization caught my eye. it read "Babies Placed In Incubators Decrease Risk Of Depression As Adults." WOW! what it comes down to is that the environment in the incubator is soo controlled that there is less stress for the child. in conclusion the article states that starting life in an incubator "is a trigger for a complex chain of biological and emotional factors that helped decrease depression." they even acknowledged that children that start life in incubators are often offered more emotional support by their mothers throughout childhood because they were perceived as more vulnerable. no kidding - now we just need the study of the emotional wellbeing of the mothers of those children in incubators. i bet they find a connection to guilt. guilt is just part of the equation.

the maestro

here he is...




i am soo proud!!

Wii

this month is flying right by me. before it totally escapes i should post about at least some of what we have been up to since santa made his deliveries. mostly we have been Wii'ing. i have to say, these games are a lot of fun. i love that f. can participate and that he is playing a video game that is active. so far he loves the bowling and the boxing the best. he is actually pretty good at both. i am really enjoying the bowling as well and the Wii Fit. about three quarters of the way through my first session i realized i had the balance board backwards, which may have accounted for my poor balance and all those soccer cleats and panda heads smacking me square in the head! but nonetheless, we are having fun. Wii.

m&k will start in a little preschool through the infant and toddlers program later this month. it is once every other week for about an hour. but it is drop off. i have to admit, i am a bit anxious to see how this will go. hopefully i can keep my own emotions in check, because i am sure that m&k are going to be pretty vocal about the whole separation bit.

lastly, tomorrow night, f. will be conducting his school's band for one song during their first ever winter concert. i am soo excited for him and can't wait to see how it all plays out. i am praying that anxiety doesnt rear its ugly head and that he can enjoy this fun event like a regular ole 5 year old! stay tuned.