it's working

i have been fighting to get past this whole nicu experience for what has seemed like an inordinate amount of time. yesterday, i finally felt like i made some real progress. it was my first day to volunteer in the nicu and talk to current families about my experience and answer their questions. i had been anxious about how this was going to go and if i was going to be strong enough to tackle this emotionally. a few months back, something inside of me just said sign up to be a part of this support team and face your fears head on. and you know what? its working! i used my very own badge to gain access to the unit yesterday and just took it head on. the nurses and one of the docs and the social worker were there to greet me and they were excited about the support team getting started. each baby room had a picture of our group, with a little blurb about how we are hoping to help the families. i barely got in the door and the nurse practitioner was asking to see pics of my babes. as they oohed and ahhed over the boys my nerves just melted away.

so i got started going room to room meeting families and sharing our experience. it felt so great to be answering questions, parent to parent. after visiting with a family i sat by the nurses station and waited for more parents to arrive and one of the nurses said one of her families was doing kangaroo care and would probably really like to talk to me. as she took me in the direction of the room, i realized it was the very same room that m&k had spent so many days in once they were put in a twin room. but the funny thing was, it didnt bother me at all going in there. i felt at home somehow and when the monitors started dinging to let the mama and grandma know the babes needed a little nudge i didnt bat an eye. and when the grandma started to cry because her nerves got the best of her, i comforted her and rubbed her shoulder and told her it would be ok - that i knew it was scary, but she was doing a great job. i talked to them for a good long time and when they thanked me i almost felt guilty because little did they know i was helping myself the whole time too!

i am so glad that i listened to that little voice inside of me telling me to get involved - this is exactly what i needed!