knocked out

it has been a rough few days here in the van doren household. why do illnesses always seem to creep up on weekends? fin and i have both had the worst stomach bug ever. poor guy, i hate to see him sick. but it is even harder when i feel so bad myself and cant comfort him the way i want. i spent most of friday afternoon until this morning in bed - ugh. it reminded me of my bedrest days - a memory i thought was long gone. jon was a trooper though, and not even too whiney. max and keegan are cutting teeth, so j really had it coming at him from all angles. a sick wife and 4 year old and 2 cranky 8 month babies. kudos to him for making it through the last few days.

happy 8 month birthday boys!

i cant believe that max and keegan have now been in the world longer than they were in my belly. it is crazy, and totally not supposed to end up this way. but they are doing great. the physical therapy is going well and we are noticing improvements at every session.

i tried to capture a bit of the chaos here these days...

ever wonder what happened to...

that sweet little baby you used to haul around on your hip or tow around holding hands. lately, i have been wondering what happened to fin. he used to be such a sweet boy. and so polite - everyone would comment about how polite he was. and honestly, it wasnt that long ago. just in october we spent a night in the ER with him. he woke up around 2AM having trouble breathing, and the poor thing was scared out of his mind he was doing the ugly cry as oprah would call it. so we quickly dressed ourselves, scooped him up along with his blanket and speed to the ER. in the triage, the nurse wanted to put the little pulsox reader on his finger. and when she asked him if she could do it he responded, "no thank you". she got the same response, "no thank you," when she asked him to open his mouth so she could take his temperature. now here is a little boy who can barely breathe still taking the time to use his manners. scared as i was about what was wrong with him, there was still a glimmer of being a proud mama. turned out he had croup and needed a steroid shot and a nubulizer treatment once they moved him into the ER. but that triage nurse was so touched by how sweet he was, that when she was off duty she came looking for us to check on him. again that glimmer of proud mama surfaced.

lately that glimmer surfaces less frequently and my face burns in mortification more often. he has always been a talker, but sometimes the things he says are downright embarassing. like this question to an unsuspecting waitress - "why are your teeth so dirty?" poor girl just had braces. thankfully i was not present for that one - poor granny and pop felt the face burn i am sure. yesterday we were in the mall with a friend and he starts the visit off with "i am too tired to do that" and i had a bad feeling about the day would progress. actually his mood did improve and his energy resurfaced. at one point fin and his little friend were running towards the playland area and got a bit ahead of the grownups. i was scared because with max and keegan in tow, i couldnt chase after them. so off went the other grownup to corral them. we both sort of let our charges have it, mostly out of fear. but from then on they were much better. they would walk ahead, but look back over their shoulders to make sure we were still in sight. it was nice to see they had learned a lesson. however, my improved mood was quickly squashed.

here is how it went down...
we were headed towards pottery barn kids, a favorite spot of kids to run amuck. the kids were about 5 paces ahead - a totally reasonable distance. the mall is full of construction right now with this huge expansion in progress. so we are rounding the center court - which is now big temporary walls loaded with ads about what is to come. i feel a swift breeze to my side and this mature woman passes by, weaving in and out of our party and likely the other mall goers as well. so on one of their regular check to see if they are still in a safe distance, fin and his friend turn to look for the grownups. this woman was blocked twice, completely inadvertantly, by fin as she tried to weave through our party. honestly, i dont think he even saw her at all. and she looks at me and the other grownup and says in the huffiest voice she can muster "you really should teach your children some manners!". i was speechless. it was one of those moments where you think of all the great comebacks just a few moments too late. like "where did you go to charm school, because i want to be sure i don't send my child there?" honestly all that was coming to mind was F*** YOU LADY!!, but given the company i refrained and muttered something clever like "perhaps you could use a lesson as well". why is it that things like this can just ruin a day? and honestly, a day later, why am i still thinking about this? part of it, i suppose, is that i am missing the polite little boy. while he was not in the wrong in this situation, he has been lacking manners a great deal recently. its a sore spot right now. at any rate, we got on with our day. and later at lunch, two separate people approached and commented on how well behaved our children were at lunch. nonetheless, i have been left wondering should moms be added to the protected class? is there such a thing as mommy discrimination?

fin and i did have a long talk on the way home about his manners resurfacing and i have noticed a bit of an improvement. i am hoping we are on the way to getting back on track. i miss the no thank yous.

bye, bye binkie

yesterday i had to throw max's binkie in the trash. he had actually worn a tear in it! i don't know why, but it made me sad to throw it out. one of the first tricks that max and keegan learned in the nicu, besides breathing that is, was to suck on a binkie. they became soo attached to these nicu binkies, that i have been unable to get them to take any other binkie. and of course i can't find these hospital issued binkies in any store to replace them. so since their birth, they have each had the same binkie. in a way, i suppose, it was like a tie to those nicu days. i remember a few days where my only goal in the nicu was to teach max how to use the binkie, in hopes that he would catch on to breastfeeding as well. the "binkie olympics" one of the nurses had called it. i constantly find myself in this strange place where i am saddened to leave a nicu moment like this behind, but at the same time can't wait to somehow be relieved of all the sadness that the nicu brought into my life. it is a very strange place to exist. its hard to explain and i know that some other nicu moms would probably understand exactly what i mean. so bye, bye binkie it is. and here is hoping that max was really done with it, or will except a substitute non-nicu replacement. wish us luck!

7 mos. and counting

ok, so i missed their 7 mo. b-day for posting purposes anyway. hopefully this adorable picture will make up for it. both boys are sitting up now and rolling from back to front! they started physical therapy yesterday through the county program - and we love the therapist. she is very kind and clearly loves kids. she has showed us a few tricks already! thank you t.!
















fin has started summer camp this week. you know, i love this little boy to death, but we were really getting on each others nerves. next year i will consider more summer camp! i was told that 4 was going to be better than 3 - but not really sure that is the case in this house anyway. the backtalking is really the worst. i have been promised that 5 is a great age. here's hoping!

when my sister and i were growing up, my mom took our picture next to a birthday candle just like this one each year. now there are two collages that hang in my parents dining room. one for n. and one for me. its a great way to see the progression over the years. jon found me a candle on ebay just like what i had growing up for fin. you really can find everything on ebay. growing up, sometimes the pictures were taken a little late, as a mom of 3, now i totally appreciate that. we just took fin's picture yesterday for his 4th birthday. he is getting so big. one day, when i make that collage of 20 pictures , i will forget all about how nasty 4 can be!

fit of giggles

i meant to post about this weeks ago. on a recent night, fin and i were invited to join some good friends for ice cream. not known to turn down ice cream, we gladly accepted. so our friends picked us up, and off we went. it amuses me listening to 4 year olds converse - the longtime pals were in the back chatting away. excitement was in the air. when we got there, fin was soo excited (we all were -after all it was coldstone creamery) that he ran up to get the door and hold it for all of us. in his utter state of excitement he got ahead of himself. he actually bounced off of the front door and landed flat on his arse. it was one of those moments where you couldnt help but laugh out loud. the customers and workers inside the store were laughing as well. last night as i was falling asleep, something triggered this memory and again i burst into a fit of giggles. motherhood is often amusing!

note: no children were harmed in the effort to enjoy this sweet treat!

my head is all over the place

yesterday was just one of those days. up, down, all around - the kind that has you wondering is this just life or am i freakin' bipolar?!? we didnt really have any plans, so we just sort of drifted around. it was maryland hot and humid, like disgustingly so. we went to the park, but even fin was too hot to play. so we walked down to the water and just sat and watched the boats. i love that i can do this in my own town. we saw a blue heron and some unidentified fish(?) in the water. fin was convinced it was two sharks - it still has me wondering. even though it was depressingly hot, we had fun together. max and keegan were little sleeping angels and it was a good outing.

when i got home i made some phone calls, checked email, just plain caught up. i was talking to a good friend, and it was soo nice to be asked how i was doing. not just the hey how are you - but the really, tell me how you are managing. you have been through a lot, how are you feeling i want to hear your answer kind of question. the thing is, i feel like i am a walking mixed review. some days i am feeling soo blessed to have such a full family. max and keegan really are great babies, they let me sleep, they entertain each other, they clearly love their big brother, and lets face it, they are cute (no bias here)! fin is growing up before my very eyes. he is so very expressive and communicative, which blows my mind at least once a day. the things he says crack me up (see fly on wall post). on the other hand, when i said to the pediatrician this week, that i ought to just move in, he agreed and says, so who are we seeing today! ok, i have been there way too much. being a mom of a preemie is hard work. max and keegan got accepted into the infant and toddlers program this week. its sort of a good news/bad news scenerio. its a great program, but their acceptance means they are delayed. in some areas, they are only performing like a 3 month old. i know in the long run everything will be ok, its just draining some days. and if keegan gets pink eye one more time, i am going to cry myself to sleep. so my response to my great friend was sort of a mixed bag - which she totally understood.

also, yesterday, i learned that a fellow mother of multiples, who recently delivered her twins at 26 weeks, lost one of her babies. my heart just aches for this woman i have not yet met. i cant help but think, that could of been me. i entered the hospital at 26 weeks and by the grace of god was able to hold on until 31 weeks. i cant imagine what this mom is going through. the nicu days are soo hard and i am crying just thinking about what she is facing. i pray that she has good support. her babies were born in the 1 lb range - just soo tiny. it takes me back to those raw days. i remember holding keegan the first time and the first thing he did was cry. and i thought, i am soo not ready for this. but the nurse was wonderful and knew what to do right away. and keegan snuggled in for his first kangaroo session and he was soo warm and soo tiny. he fit right on my chest and just loved me. it was beautiful. and i can just hope that this poor mom got to have at least one moment like that with her lost child. meanwhile, here i am complaining about pink eye.

then the phone rings, and it is the home health care nurse who visited us the first few weeks that max and keegan were home. i need help she said. i have a mother of multiples right now who is just lost. can you give me the number for the MOMs group, she asked. this is a great support group and i am feeling lucky to be a part of it.

anyway - enough brain dump. early this week, i was watching a show about a mother of quints and she said summed things up by saying that she would rather have her hands full than empty any day. what a beautiful response to the onlookers who tactlessly say, boy you sure do have your hands full. amen sister!