open letter to my children

f, m & k-

i love you all to bits, but today you nearly drove me right over the edge. i feel like i spent my *entire* day corralling each of you and asking you repeatedly to please stop doing x, y and z. so i am going to write this letter and direct you here from now on, so i dont have to keep saying the following in no particular order:

m - please take your finger out of your nose. i am truly excited that when i ask you where your nose is, or lately even look at you, you can now locate your nose with ease. but do you need to stick your finger up there each and every time?

m- could you please stop opening my kitchen drawers? when you open them, k only wants to come over and throw all the contents on the floor or slam the drawer shut on your tiny fingers. as you well know by now, k is nothing if not purposeful about slamming things shut.

m- could you please stop rifling through the kitchen trash and putting its contents into your mouth? really, i feed you plenty and often and there is no need to resort to this.

k - could you please stop opening my kitchen drawers? what is so exciting about my phone charger - when you whip it around like that it is more than likely going to smack you in the head each. and. every. time. please dont make me say "i told you that would happen" one more time.

k- could you please stop unplugging the dvd player? it is really a pain to have to reach back there and plug it in again when i am desperate to put baby einstein on for you. really, its in your best interest to leave it plugged in - i promise you.

m - while we are on the subject of tv. when i do put baby einstein on, could you please stop changing the channel? it only works if the tv is on channel 4, and the remote batteries are dying. really and truly i dont want to have to swipe batteries from one of your toys to replace the ones in the remote, but you can be sure i will pick the ones in that damn animal train one. "come aboard the animal train, its really lots of fun" yes thats the one!

m- could you possibly try to stop drowning yourself in the bathtub? when you plunge yourself face first into the water it makes breathing really difficult. this one really should be self-explanatory.

f- yes, its a school day! i know, i know, you dont want to go to school. kid, you have at least 12 more years ahead of you. i am running out of excuses for why it is a good thing. from now on you will get the same answer. "its the law, that is why you must go to school today." do we really need twelve more years of this?

f- no you can not have just marshmallows for breakfast. or lunch. or dinner.

k- btw, i know you can walk now. i watched with my own eyes as you stood up in the middle of the room yesterday and took at least 8 steps across the room. i know you think i didnt see you and tried to pretend you could only crawl all day today - but i saw you. give it up kid, i am going to stop carrying you *everywhere* very soon!

k- can you kindly refrain from throwing goldfish, legos, spoons, and anything else small enough to fit down the HVAC vent? its a pain in the arse to get that thing open and retrieve all those tiny parts. i just got your big brother trained well enough to stop throwing crayons down there and really thought i had at least a few years before you would figure out this game.

f- no, you can not watch just one. more. cartoon. i am already feeling guilty enough about the last 3 you watched and how the tv is rotting your brain. for the love of all that is good in this world, play with one of the ten gagillion toys that you have in each and every room of this incredibly shrinking house.

love you boysers,
mama